Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Perfect Human Being: Rachael Flatt



She's a national champion, an Olympian, and World Junior Champion. Even while being a world class skater, she takes any and every AP class she can, earning A's across the board. She's sweet, bubbly, and personable.

SHE'S PERFECT.

That's why we all resent her. That's why she gets so much flack. She was born a perfect human being. She's a robot. She's not NORMAL.



The video below perfectly illustrates her perfect-ness:




This yoga-practicing, AP class taking, self-motivating skater has it all together. And we look on with shameful hearts and depressed souls because we come to the realization that we will never be as good as Rachael Flatt.

Her new soccer mom haircut only furthers this understanding. She looks about 15-years-older than she is now which gives us a glimpse into her future: The perfect house wife. Not only will she have a hot dinner prepared for her husband the minute he comes home from work, but the children will be quietly keeping to themselves, probably reading Shakespeare, and the baby will be fast asleep, not to wake again until morning. She'll have her planner perfectly mapped out so that she can take Jonny to the game in the minivan, while simultaneously picking up Sally from her piano lesson, all the while feeding baby George.

Again, SHE'S PERFECT.



She has a perfect relationship with her mother, she tells us to "be the best we can be," and she doesn't take performance enhancing drugs. Rachael, could you possibly shove it in our face any more?

Why yes, she can. In this interview, with a smile on her face she describes her packed schedule that starts at 5:45 in the morning. At the Flatt household, at 5:45 in the morning the birds are chirping, Rachael's alarm set to "I'm Walking on Sunshine" goes off, and she gently arises to start her wonderful day.







I can't handle this any longer. She's now promoting literacy among disadvantaged children. Her perfect-ness is getting out of control. Therapy for us onlookers may help improve our self-esteem, but the real solution involves Rachael doing something un-perfect. Get pregnant, attack one of your competitors with a skate guard, DO SOMETHING that will make us believe you aren't perfect. That's all we ask. One can only hope that as she enters Stanford college next year, she joins a sorority, becomes a party animal, and gets a B in astrophysics.

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