A blog...

Nationals preview: Ladiezzz

2012-01-05T19:44:00.000-06:00

ZZzzZZZZZZzzzz...oh, 'scuse me, I must have fallen asleep. It must have been my deep thoughts about the ladies event that induced my slumber. It's the year 2012, but yet our ladies field looks to be straight from 1993.With Gracie Gold stuck in the junior division, it looks to be a three way battle for gold with Alissa Czisny, Mirai Nagasu and Ashley Wagner battling it out.

Each one of these skaters has a history of inconsistency, which may cause this competition to be a "Battle of Who Could Care Less." With each of these three ladies aiming to prove themselves at this competition, let's break down the situation:

Ashley Wagner: The Bitch-faced Fairy

Strengths: If anyone is going to fight, it's miss Ashley. Channeling the lesbian powers of Nina, Ashley's Swan Lake has the ability to make one just uncomfortable enough to want to stand at the end of her performance if she really sells it. You can always count on her bitch face to show up when it is needed. Now training with Mr. Nicks, Ashley now has a coach who can handle her personality and grit.
Weaknesses: Ashley still flutzes like Nicole Bobek reincarnate and has not had a consistent triple-triple for three years running. While she had a successful season on the Grand Prix, she didn't score nearly as high as Nagasu or Czisny did in their best efforts. It's going to take mishaps from both of them in order for Wagner to grab the title. After an Ice Network article that quoted her as saying "This is my Nationals to lose," Wagner certainly has put the pressure on herself to thrive under the pressure.

Mirai Nagasu: The Life of the Party Asian Guru

Strengths: Mirai usually gets better as the season progresses, and with that in mind, she is on the right tack for Nationals. If there is anyone that is going to whip Mirai's Asian booty in shape, it is Frank Carroll. He can make a champion out of Mirai and she certainly has the most star quality out of all the contenders.
Weaknesses: It's about time America has another Asian Ice Princess. Mirai could attain that title with her bubbly personality and tenacious skating ability. But now considered a veteran at 18, she has yet to reach the star-studded heights that her talent is capable of. This year appears to be a "Make-It or Break-It" season for her as the younger generation will soon pass her by if she does not start putting the puzzle pieces together.Unfortunately, she was given two trash-bin worthy programs by Lori Nichol that makes her look more and more like a late-twentysomething Fumie Suguri. It will take fantastic performances with rotated jumps for Mirai to stay in the good graces of the judges. If she does not deliver, I don't see the judges helping her at all as they have been hard on her in the past. When Mirai really puts it all together, she has the ability to be a world contender. It all depends upon whether she can put the struggles of the past behind her.

Alissa Czisny: The Beauty Pageant Splat

Strengths: She is a two-time reigning champion. She was the only U.S. lady to make the Grand Prix Final. On paper, she is the one to win it. However...
Weaknesses: It's an old tale: Alissa Czisny takes the ice with her pretty dress, radiant smile, and spectacular spins. And then she jumps. And then she falls. And then falls again. And then you feel pain in your heart. And then you see that beautiful face start to frown and that puts death in your soul. And then she goes on to have a great competition and you feel overwhelming joy and run down the streets and kiss every passerby you see. And then she goes to the next competition and she splatters like a raw egg and you feel like putting the bullet through the head. While her consistency has improved drastically the past couple years, she still has fragile tendencies that would make even a British Royal Guard cry. There is nothing to predict with Alissa except say that she is unpredictable.

The Rest of the Pack: The Soggy Cereal

You know when you eat Lucky Charms and you eat all the marshmallows first? After those are all gone, all that's left is a bowl of soggy multi-grain cereal. I fear that's what the rest of the ladies field will be in San Jose. While there may be some surprises from rising stars like Leah Keiser, Nina Jiang and Kiri Baga, the marshmallows look to be few and far between. Rachael Flatt will be dropped from the judges like a hot potato, Christina Gao and Agnes Zawadski are going through growth spurts that might propel them to heights of figure skating's Michael Jordan. A splat fest looks imminent. While I hope they all prove me wrong, there's only one thing to be certain of: everyone keep your pillows nearby.

Amber Corwin: Giving Mediocracy A Voice

2011-09-16T21:50:00.000-05:00

Hello.

My name is Amber Corwin.

Today I am here to raise awareness for my new campaign Moderate Means for the Mediocre.

Millions of children in our country are being appraised for their over-achievements. They are being noticed for their ambition to take honors courses and AP classes. They get A's left and right and have to be involved in everything from soccer to marching band to the science fair.

On the other hand, there are millions of children who are being pushed into the limelight for performing well below standards. They are struggling in national test scores and keeping up with state standards. Government programs are put in place to address the issues of under-privileged children affected.

But what about the mediocre children of our nation? What about those who are just tolerable? Those who are just okay?

I am the voice of mediocrity. It is the children of mediocrity that have grown up to live mediocre lives that have done mediocre things. This has not improved nor hurt our nation. In this way, those living mediocre lives have sustained our nation the way it is. Give them the respect they deserve. A moderately firm handshake, a blank Hallmark card or even a gift card to Walgreens is all you need to do. Show the mediocre's of the world that you care.

So please, join me in my campaign. Let the mediocre be heard. You may just find that you are more mediocre than you think.

Generically speaking,
Amber Corwin

Hot Messes that Await the Season

2011-09-15T23:31:00.001-05:00

It's only September and already there's an onslaught of programs filled with hokey choreography and face stroking. Morosov must have been busy this summer (and we all know in more ways than one).

Some call it longevity. I call it a lack of social security. Regardless, Brian Joubert is still skating somehow for some reason. And his music is an odd mix of a bad 80's techno club and a nintendo video game. Now we're all wishing he went back to the Matrix Soundtrack that he skated to 4,000 times.

Oh gracious Buddha, this hot mess has just succumbed to new levels of flailing hands and bipolar facial expressions. She looks as if she just came from her shift at Hooters. That footwork should face capital punishment.More to come...

Breaking up... is not so hard to do

2011-08-13T11:53:00.001-05:00

One word sums up this summer: Breakups.

All the breaking up reminds me of high school dating: once one relationship goes stale, just go right along to the other before their 15 minutes are up.

Inevitably, it can come as a shock to a partner who wasn't prepared for the startling news.

The first major break-up actually started in February when 2010 U.S. National champions Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett decided to call it quits.

It may have been after Caydee sliced Jeremy clean (a freak accident during training that required over 40 stitches) that they decided to break it off. Regardless, this break-up started a trend in the skating world and brought the concept of breaking up to a whole new level.

Since then, around 20 pairs and ice dance teams have decided to call it quits in the off-season, starting a game of musical chairs where switching partners is now as cool as ordering a tall skinny latte at Starbucks.

The most surprising splits still have many questions looming. After their most successful season together, Caitlin Yankowskas and John Coughlin called it quits immediately following the world championships.

Not even the power of the Virgin Mary could keep this partnership from continuing. What is particularly suspicious is the story they are telling the media: Coughlin wanted to retire, team splits up, coach Sappenfield asks Coughlin to do a try-out with partnerless Denney, sparks fly, team forms, everyone's happy (except Yankowskas?).

It's reaking fish over here, because that story certainly doesn't make sense. There is a major piece missing of the puzzle that they are not telling us. Rumors are flying that Denney and Coughlin are now a couple off the ice (She's 18, he's 25). Whether they were a couple before the team formed remains a question mark.

Here is a rather quick summary of this dramatic break-up (for added effect, I will write this as a 14-year-old girl who is texting this message to a friend).

So like John broke up with Caitlin cuz he says he wanted to retire. butttt we all know that is total B.S. cuz then he totally had a try-out with Caydee. So Caydee and John tried out and it was like,' ohhh my gawwwd love at first sight' so now we think they're dating (OMG and WTF??). Caitlin was like totally left in the dust and now is trying to find a partner. She just had a tryout with this model roller blader named Matteo (soooo hawwwwt) but idk if that's gonna work out. Caitlin can probably do wayyyy better in terms of actual skatingggg.

So fyi, John and Caydee skated at Liberty and Indy this past summer and were ahhhhmazing. They like totally rocked it out, but were totally ewww in their interpretation to East of Eden (i mean srsly?). Their love makes me want to throw up in my mouth, but then again if they r going to help the U.S. win medals, then idk...i guess i love them!!!!

Then there's the state of U.S. ice dancing.

To sum it up....

2010 Olympics Evan Bates and Emily Samuelson kicked the can....

Madison Chock and Greg Zeurlien cabareted out the door....

Now Evan and Madison are cha-cha'ing together and Emily is trying to find someone to Bocceli with.

In other news, Madison Hubbell and Zach Donahue are making quite a buzz....video of their freedance to be uploaded shortly.

Because we all know a season cannot be had without at least one muzak free dance to either Andrea Bocelli or Sarah Brightman, let's prepare for the upcoming season with an ode to the summer of goodbyes.

2011 Worlds Ladies Recap Part Two: A snow princess, a faun, and Evita.

2011-05-05T01:47:00.008-05:00

To summarize so far, the final group of the ladies free skate has gone like this:

Ando used her Morosov powers in her toe pick to zap the judges to give her first place (as well as cursing Yu-Na Kim's triple flip).

In Yu-Na Kim's free skate, she showed us an improved spiral, but a lackluster (for her standards) free skate.

And Leonova just bit her finger, put her leg up in an ugly position, and somehow made the crowd go wild.

When Alissa Csizny took the ice, we all worried that her old patterns would come back to haunt her. The opening fall on the triple lutz caused those fears to enter into reality. However, this Alissa Czisny was no longer the cautious and dejected soul that she once was. She came back to fight through the rest of her program with elegance and grace showing us a fight that had never been seen, especially at a world championship.

Now that she has gotten her jumps in order, it is imperative that Czisny takes her skating to an even higher level next season. She needs to leave the Liashenko school of telegraphing and put more transitions into her skating. She is certainly on the right track however, and hopefully missing the podium by a mere 2 points will ignite all the more that fire inside of her to come back next season even stronger.

As Czisny's programs were a wonderful vehicle for her this season, next season I want to see her branch out and give us something that will give Alissa some sass, fire, and passion. Yuka is soft-spoken and delightful, but we know deep down inside her inner Asian is a warrior and she needs to extend that same mentality to Alissa. No more ballads...bring on the spice!

Carolina Kostner has been injured all season, but has placed in the top three in every event she has entered this season. Go figure.

Her free skate "Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun," was sublime. However, I just wish she would've gotten into the character of the faun more. Considering that fauns look like this:

I feel that Kostner could've really improved her interpretation score with a costume that resembled this. With enough of the Kostner crack the judges are already smoking, a costume where she embraces the faun's most physical features would probably skyrocket those PCS' into the 9's.

Alas, the Faun overtook the evil merlin (Seriously, what was Leonova's theme in free skate anyway?) for the 3rd spot. There was only one more skater to go.

She was the beautiful Russian sitting in 3rd place after the short program. Ksenia Marakova, with the good looks of Viktoria Volchkova the intensity of Butyrskaya, but the splat effect of Julia Soldatova, couldn't hold through till the end. The jumps at the beginning were landed, but tight and that fall in the middle made everyone groan in horror. Channeling Evita worked for her: she made me believe she was as scandalous as Evita, which is no easy feat. You know that shimmy shake in the footwork was a booty call.

For Marakova, it was not enough for a medal, and the standings stayed the same with Miki Ando winning gold (3rd world medal), Yu-Na Kim claiming the silver (5th world medal), and Carolina Kostner (her 3rd medal) for the bronze.

2011 Worlds Ladies Recap Part One: A Queen Dethroned

2011-05-02T23:54:00.011-05:00

Osama Bin Laden may be dead, but Miki Ando is a two-time world champion, Alissa Csizny misses the podium by two points, and Yu-Na Kim is dethroned by Team Morosov.

At least Leonova didn't medal. We all know how hard the Russians were making that happen.

Speaking of Leonova:

Please, someone tie her up and take her to a ballet class and don't let her out until that back is fixed.

Anyway, the performance of Miki Ando may have been clean, but since when has a winning world championship performance ever been so uninspiring? Oh yeah, four years ago when Miki Ando won her 1st world title. Ando has become the definition of complacency. Morosov continues to purge himself of creating anything that resembles choreography. If face stroking was one of the sacraments, Ando would be holier than the virgin Mary herself.

Following that treasure, we get this gem:

This is what narcotics do to us, everyone.

This program warrants a capstone project on the injustice of program component scores in figure skating. She received a 7.96 in interpretation. Yes, those cross overs really expressed the style of the program.

Now I know we are in Russia, and that the weight Tarasova lost has turned into magical pixie dust dispersed onto the Russian team for their benefit. But one needs to look no further to prove my point:

Coulrophobia? I think so.

After kissing the ice, and jumping up and down, and going totally Tanja Szwecenko on us after her program, it was time for the Queen to take the ice.

Given more time, this would be the signature program that would pass James Bond, Scheherezade, and The Lark Ascending as the culmination of Yu-Na's artistic progress over the past four years. Wilson has given Yu-Na all her strengths rolled into one: her subtlety, power, and emotion. Unfortunately, half way through the program, the lack of polish became apparent. Like many have said, if she had at least competed once this season, the kinks could have been avoided.

The footwork was particularly haunting and ethereal. If only she would've done a double toe would she be a two-time world champion.

We all felt Korea implode after this competition.

But it wasn't because of Yu-Na's defeat. It was because of this:

(part two coming later)

The Epitome of Beautiful Skating

2011-03-04T10:30:00.007-06:00

Most skating fans would agree that compulsory dances are the most monotonous and painstakingly boring aspects of figure skating.

However, if you take one look at the compulsory dances of Maya Usova and Alexander Zhulin, all preconceived notions are blown away.

I think they should give seminars for every dance ever invented.

These two were the perfect pairing: beautifully matched soft knees, impeccable posture, and speed that erupted out of nowhere. She was dainty and wistful; he was masculine and steady.

Pasha may have snatched (and dumped) Alexander, but she never had the compulsories that Maya ever did.

It's All in Your Head: 2011 Four Continents

2011-03-02T09:20:00.008-06:00

The Four Continents came and went and we are still left wondering: Did the event actually happen? Or was it some dream-like concept of reality, not unlike the plotline of Inception? I have many reasons that support my theory:

1) Broadcasting was so scarce. It's pretty difficult for Ice Network to get rights to air an event that doesn't exist.
2) The performances that did surface on YouTube were actually done by those crazy Yu-Na fans who make those lavish montages of her. They just edited together a bunch of performances from other competitions this past year and made it look as if they were skating in a Chinese ice arena.
3) As Virtue and Moir's bizarre withdrawal from the event occured, the only logical explanation was that it was a dream. It didn't happen. Their 1.5 minute routine of the free dance was just in your head.
4) Was it possible NOT to be in a comatose state watching Miki Ando's long program?
5) This video:

It is listed as "Mao Asada 2011 4CC FS" but is in fact a Yu-Na Kim program from 2007 (I told you the crazy Yu-Na fans are creating the fake 4CC videos).

So believe what you will...but like the movie Inception:

Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

Stars on Ice 2011 - Yay's and Nay's

2011-02-11T14:33:00.006-06:00

Nay's

It's rather awkward watching these two skate together now that...ya know...they're DIVORCED. Fitting how 98% of the choreography was side-by-side. Whoops.

Gone are the days where they represent an orchid and a stem. Now they represent two thorns constantly probing each other.

Where are the ponies in the background? Why aren't the unicorns dancing wistfully in the distance? Does he know that the originator of this song is Miley Cyrus and was originally intended for 12-year-old girls? Oh, but he's wearing black. It's okay. He's a man.

The program itself is fine and pleasant. But that's it: Sasha Cohen is much more than fine and pleasant. She has taken absolutely zero artistic liberties in her professional career on Stars on Ice. She is capable of branching out and becoming a personified authentic artist, but skating to this muzzzakkkk bores me to pieces.

Gone are the days of group numbers with an innovative and intricate storyline. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the limited time the cast gets together nowadays, but the group numbers are so basic and elementary that far limits the skills of these professional skaters.

Yay's

Katia never grows old or stale. She is like a fine wine that grows better with age. How is it possible that with age she becomes even more delectable? She has even grown to be somewhat of a diva, something we all knew was inside of her, but was sorely repressed after she had to take on the abandoned widow persona for 10 years.

Unfortunately for us Americans, Buttle is not on the U.S. tour. Even though this is an old program of his, it has grown to be even more sensual, sophisticated, and dare we say exotic with time. Images from his masterful Nagoyagatsi free skate are in this program. And even though he's wearing black, there is sequins on the sides of them...which makes it acceptable.

Who can go wrong with Kurt Browning? Even though he slightly resembles a martian in that outfit, Kurt can spread-eagle and footwork his way in any performance to make it memorable.

Shoot me in the face: I enjoy this Lysacek program. The dramatics of the program work for him, he's wearing his Vera Wang, and he's so segmented and obsessive in his choreography that he'd make any OCD-addict put the program on repeat for about 500 times. The ending position is a total diva move. I think he stole it from Johnny.

Yay and Nay?

The program has potential, but looks to be in the beginning stages of development. Once they actually gain some speed and more attack, the program could certainly be a wonderful program for them. However, the abrupt quality to this performance made everything look labored and difficult.

The Perfect Human Being: Rachael Flatt

2011-02-08T23:00:00.005-06:00

She's a national champion, an Olympian, and World Junior Champion. Even while being a world class skater, she takes any and every AP class she can, earning A's across the board. She's sweet, bubbly, and personable.

SHE'S PERFECT.

That's why we all resent her. That's why she gets so much flack. She was born a perfect human being. She's a robot. She's not NORMAL.

The video below perfectly illustrates her perfect-ness:

This yoga-practicing, AP class taking, self-motivating skater has it all together. And we look on with shameful hearts and depressed souls because we come to the realization that we will never be as good as Rachael Flatt.

Her new soccer mom haircut only furthers this understanding. She looks about 15-years-older than she is now which gives us a glimpse into her future: The perfect house wife. Not only will she have a hot dinner prepared for her husband the minute he comes home from work, but the children will be quietly keeping to themselves, probably reading Shakespeare, and the baby will be fast asleep, not to wake again until morning. She'll have her planner perfectly mapped out so that she can take Jonny to the game in the minivan, while simultaneously picking up Sally from her piano lesson, all the while feeding baby George.

Again, SHE'S PERFECT.

She has a perfect relationship with her mother, she tells us to "be the best we can be," and she doesn't take performance enhancing drugs. Rachael, could you possibly shove it in our face any more?

Why yes, she can. In this interview, with a smile on her face she describes her packed schedule that starts at 5:45 in the morning. At the Flatt household, at 5:45 in the morning the birds are chirping, Rachael's alarm set to "I'm Walking on Sunshine" goes off, and she gently arises to start her wonderful day.

I can't handle this any longer. She's now promoting literacy among disadvantaged children. Her perfect-ness is getting out of control. Therapy for us onlookers may help improve our self-esteem, but the real solution involves Rachael doing something un-perfect. Get pregnant, attack one of your competitors with a skate guard, DO SOMETHING that will make us believe you aren't perfect. That's all we ask. One can only hope that as she enters Stanford college next year, she joins a sorority, becomes a party animal, and gets a B in astrophysics.

A Lori Nichol Trash Bin Favorite

2011-02-07T17:41:00.003-06:00

I just love it when Lori choreographs in her sleep.

Aching violins and tinkly pianos are all too often the default for Lori Nichol programs.

Even after Swan Lake, Bolero, Rachmaninoff, and Moonlight Sonata, 30-year-old Fumie Suguri is still coming back for more with Lori. God bless her.

One of the Best Performances Ever?

2011-02-07T08:21:00.005-06:00

Patrick Chan is a common topic of controversy within the figure skating community. The judges love him and often times uphold him, his fans adore him, and his naysayers despise him.

At the 2011 Canadians, Chan put out a technically superior free skate with two quads (one in a triple combination) and eight triples to score 197.07 (to take out Canadian Inflation minus 25 pts) putting himself as the front runner to win the World Title in Tokyo.

It is undeniable that his skating is a thing of precise and controlled beauty. His use of edges, intricacy within his transitions and footwork, and clean style should be appreciated by any fan of figure skating. However, besides the fact that the judges continually hold him up when he is not at his prime, his skating can seem contrived at times. He makes everything look easy on the ice, but somehow his body language can portray carelessness. His ability to open up to an audience hasn't always came through.

Although in this performance, that inability was gone. He was skating in the moment, which created for the audience a moment to enjoy pure skating. Since the inception of IJS, this program clearly demonstrates the objectives that a figure skating program should contain: transitions into and out of elements, choreography that is seamless, and skating skills with superior edge work.

Lori certainly doesn't hide who her favorites are.

With all that said, do you believe that this was one of the greatest mens' performances ever?

A Word From Ginka

2011-02-06T13:25:00.005-06:00

Mr. Zamboni Man is proud to have guest blogger Ginka provide commentary today on this season's current state of figure skating. Ginka is a long time follower of figure skating, and also loves peeling potatoes and cutting wood to heat her home.

Vhawt iz going on vit figure zkating today? Me no no.

I rrremember back inza comooneest daysz. Lenin so good. But figure skating vhaz so beautivul then. No ugly foot in za mouth of girl. No breasts in face of man like ice dancing now.

I remember the Protopopovs. Yvery Yvery Beautivul. Sey skate like one persoon. It so beautivul.

But now. Now, ugly. No more good skating. No Comoonest equals no beautivul skating.

Rrrrussian girlsz are goood. Szey jump like za men. But now the men skate like girlz. No good. Plushenko vwill come back even though federation try to stop him. No he vwill come back.

Something is Wrong in the Yuna-verse

2011-02-04T17:01:00.004-06:00

Yu-na Kim hasn't competed for almost a year.

We are all feeling the effects.

The entire world has felt a shift in the normalcy of the Yuna-verse. Here are some statistics that represent the world in suffering:

Two leading scientists declared that global warming pushed record temperatures even higher in 2010.

In a recent survey, President Obama was said to have felt "more sadness, stress, and withdrawal of a certain obsession" within the past year.

The endangered Banded Hare Wallaby has been exponentially declining in numbers since March 27, 2010, the final day of Yu-Na's last official competition.

The United States' recession was still in full swing in 2010, with reports looking more sustainable heading into February and March of this year as her return to competition grows nearer.

Lindsey Lohan is arrested in the summer of 2010 and enters into a drug and rehab center. When reporters asked rehab specialists what Lohan was specifically dealing with in the rehab center, they said, "it involves a very delicate situation involving withdrawals of ice, James Bond, and the Olympics."

In a little over six weeks, the Yuna-verse will again be complete.

A Tribute to Sarah

2011-02-02T17:01:00.006-06:00

Sarah Meier capped off her career at the 2011 European Championships with a fairy tale ending. She skated a lights out performance in front of a home crowd and ran away with victory (let's not give her too much credit...it was European ladiezzzz). What made her career finale so sweet were the obstacles that she underwent throughout the course of her skating.

Many of us naive Americans remember first seeing her at the 2002 Olympic games as she was shown on the NBC broadcast in the penultimate group of skaters.

After Sandra mentions that her choreographer is the same as Irina Slutskaya, all choreography from then on began to make sense. I can imagine now what this choreographer would say to Sarah at her first lesson:

"Ok Sarah, cusp your hands like an Egyptian. Ok, now cusp your hands like a China Doll. Oh wait, now interweave your hands together behind your head and look like an ass."

The only word that comes to mind is gawky. She was certainly not in tune with her body at this stage in her life. The natural talent was visible, but there was much to be desired.

For the next four years, she was stuck in the average pile at Worlds: 19th, 13th, 14th. Finally in the 2005-2006 season, she had a breakthrough year where she placed 8th at the Olympics and 6th at worlds.

By this time, Sarah had become all woman and skated like one too.

In the 2006-07 season, she yet again made more strides by placing 2nd at Europeans, and 3rd at the Grand Prix Final, and winning Cup of Russia. Her "Pride and Prejudice" long program from that season was a great outlet for her. However, Sarah's one dimensional quality usually can be summed up in this program:

1) Begin with a facial expression of surprise.
2) Wave hands around endlessly.
3) Look gorgeous while doing it.

She was always successful at all three.

After the 2008 season, Meier struggled leading up to the 2010 Olympics. With only a 15th place finish in Vancouver, it looked like Sarah was finally done and the spirit of Slutskaya's arm movements had worn off.

But the 2011 European Championships were right in Switzerland and Sarah knew she had to give it one more shot.

Skating up against the almost impassable field of ladiezzz, Meier skated a perfect program to "Love in the Time of Cholera." And boy, did she look like she had Cholera before she started that long program...

Winning the European title in her home country was a beautiful ending to a wonderful career.

Although, if Sarah wants to excel in her life away from skating, she may want to get rid of the habit of using moves that Irina Slutskaya's choreographer gave her. A night at the club may turn into a night in the hospital with those flailing arms.

2011 Nationals - Satan and His Posse

2011-02-02T11:37:00.008-06:00

Well, well...it has been way too long! What has happened to me you wonder? Well, I don't even know myself. Being a college student has its demands, but hey, I am going to be back in action. Hopefully you will all join me!

So to kick things off again, let's look at a review of the 2011 National Championships.

First, let's look at the top 5 reasons why Satan had his way at this event:

5) Jeremy Abbott missed the world team by .19 points.
4) Rachael Flatt again inspired us to cry tears of boredom.
3) Adam Rippon is off the world team.
2) Mirai Nagasu's subpar free skate.
1) The Michelle Kwan Trophy going to...Johnny Weir?

Even though these travesties occurred, there were some bright spots in the event that made each one of us smile with delight.

If Satan tried to destroy this event, The Shibutani's were the holy archangels that came down and swept each of us off our feet and baptized us in the holy water of Asian sibling cuteness. All they need to do is just give a glancing smirk to the audience and we all melt inside and think of Christmas time with hot cocoa and the fire place running.

Alissa Czisny is the goddess of American figure skating, after being subjected to purgatory for years on end. This year's free skate is a culmination of ethereal beauty and wistful subtlety. This genius outlet that David Wilson created for her perfectly transforms Alissa's insecure performance tendencies into genuine freedom and expression.

However, on the world stage Czisny hasn't delivered. After winning the Grand Prix Final this past year, the added confidence will hopefully carry her onto a world podium finish.

Skating to "Ava Maria" certainly combated the evil demons which allowed Caitlin Yankowskas and John Coughlin to make their first world team and win their first national title together. It was a bittersweet endeavor as John's mother passed away this past summer. It was truly a beautiful performance that emotionally impacted all who witnessed it.

But, we all know Satan is the man of deceit and god of the world, so naturally, his presence was still felt.

Why? Why? Why? I am sounding a lot like Nancy Kerrigan now.

In this extraordinarily choreographed program, Abbott failed to deliver and found himself dumbfounded and off the podium. As the commentators were saying that his goal wasn't to peak here, it seems like he certainly tried to downplay the importance of this event, which usually is never a good thing to do.

He began to unravel as the program went on and made silly mistakes that were certainly unnecessary. Abbott can only hope to redeem himself at the Four Continents Championship, but even a win there will not redeem the poor season he has had as a whole. Hopefully a trip away from the Worlds will allow him to deal with the demons inside his head and cause him to come back next year with a new vengeance and fire.

In a similar situation, Mirai Nagasu's careless mistakes gave her the cold message that she needs major work to clean up in order to become a champion. Frank Carroll was visibly pissed after her long program after she botched a spin and stepped out of a double axel. The program is another Lori Nichol trash bin favorite, as it clearly doesn't give Mirai any distinct style or innovative outlet that her personality screams for. She is another skater that is under the curse of demons that are disallowing her to become the skater we all know she can be.

If anyone was unclear about politics still reigning supreme in USFS, they need to look no further than the men's event. Certainly Ryan Bradley's win was in the bag, especially after the short program. Although his win isn't necessarily controversial, it is blatantly obvious the way the USFS inflated his scores in a way that will never become reality internationally. Unfortunately for the men, this means that attaining 3 spots at next year's worlds will seem extremely unlikely. Miner and Dornbush are too new on the international scene to know if they will be reliable or not. The consistency of Dornbush should give him a top 10 finish, but I predict Bradley will be no higher than 12th, and Miner will be in the 12-15th range.

And finally, no National championship would be complete without Johnny Weir. In this case, he wasn't competing, but receiving the Michelle Kwan Trophy award. While he certainly made headlines last season, his winning certainly makes all of us puzzled at the thought of it. The obvious choice that the tween fans would block-vote for would've been Evan Lysacek, but Davis/White certainly would be categorized as another favorite to win. Even though the award bodes little significance, it is rather hysterical seeing Weir win the award after the amount of bashing he gives US figure skating in his book. Touche!

A Worthy Zamboni Break: Stephanie Rosenthal

2010-06-10T19:32:00.006-05:00

Stephanie Rosenthal at 2006 U.S. Nationals made me as giddy as a young child getting two scoops of rocky road ice cream. In the midst of the overpowering hype of an Olympic season and Kwan's injury, Rosenthal's presence brought a release of tension to the whole competition. She truly was the shining light at the championships and created such a stir that people still remember her programs and contagious joy.

In her short program, the ever-insightful Dick Button gave a quote that is especially important for all skaters to hear:

"Everybody is so scared to death of getting off centered in this sport, and in this world of formal figure skating that it is just a delight to see this."

What made this program so great was that it had no boundaries. Her movement appeared as if she was just doing whatever her body felt like at the moment - and that's a good thing when it's done correctly! The best choreography should not like contrived or choreographed; it should appear spontaneous and free. Other skaters doing these same moves may look totally pathetic doing the dance moves she performed, but she puts her whole body and soul into them that they are believable and fun.

Even though this long program is of a totally different style, the abandon she puts into her movement is similar as to the short program.

What baffles me is that this woman is always doing something unique. Her program is loaded with intricate choreography that weaves inside and out the program. Of course Dick again brings another classic moment when Stephanie starts to raise the leg and immediately he chimes, "Oh good...another catchfoot." Dick Button's commentating + Stephanie Rosenthal's skating = world class television.

The final step sequence is the total "Hell ya" moment of the program and boy, does she make a statement. I'm gonna say it - this is the best footwork sequence I have ever seen. Who really cares about what level it was - this is a representation of what skating is truly about - flow, creativity, expression, and intricacy. In my book, she has all of these things down to a tee.

The Love that Had to End

2010-06-08T12:24:00.006-05:00

Their love story finale came true.

It had to end.

Jamie Sale and David Pelletier were the golden couple of the 2002 Olympic games. They were the media's favorite couple in love - both attractive, personable, and world class athletes to boot.

What the media didn't unveil to the general crowd was that the couple had always had a rocky past.

It was reported that while Pelletier was dating his first wife, he fell in love with Sale which in the end caused his first divorce.

This should've been a major red flag on the part of Sale, but when the two of them had chemistry as shown in this next program, I'm sure the hormones couldn't help but rage together.

Watching the two of them flirt with one another, glare at one another, and smile at one another made any grown man secretly melt inside. But what was shown on camera wasn't always present off camera.

David Pelletier was known to have quite a redheaded temper. At the 2002 Canadian National Championships, Pelletier exploded his anger after a poor performance and yelled excessively at Sale and their coach. After apologizing, their perfect relationship portrayed to the media began to the come to light.

All was forgotten when they had the skate of their lives at the Olympics and were in the middle of the biggest judging scandal in figure skating history.

Soon afterwards, they were showing off their perfect teeth in Crest commercials, having a homecoming skating special, and becoming excessively rich.

In 2005 they finally tied the knot, and in 2007 they welcomed their son into the world, Jesse.

Rumors of the couple separating have been circling the internet for a couple years with various sources concluding that there have been affairs and cheating. At the 2010 Olympics, their commentating gig showed that the two were not on speaking terms, and on the 2010 Stars on Ice tour, reviews have said that the couple look as if they wanted to be anywhere but together. Not until this last week have the couple made it official.

Unfortunately, it's just another day in splitsville.

The "Artist" at work - Evgeni Plushenko

2010-05-28T09:29:00.005-05:00

2006 Olympic champion and "platinum" 2010 medalist Evgeni Plushenko has graced us with his beautiful and original programs over the past decade. The only thing we can do is sit down, marvel at his precious work, repeatedly praise him, and worship the art he has given all of us.

In this beautiful program, Evgeni re-enacts the rebirth of a swan. One word: EW.

In comparison, this program makes Johnny Weir look straight.

Even at a young age, Evgeni had the "gift" of putting his audience into a trance. How he did this...I have no absolute clue. All I know is that it is my life's mission to stop it.

The Japanese skating audiences are usually fantastic; they appreciate good skating and are very enthusiastic. But in what universe is shaking your ass like a four-year-old rewarding of huge applause from the crowd?

Towards the end of this program, after the awkwardness of Evgeni lying on his stomach fluttering his wings like a bird, Peter Carruthers nervously laughs while Tracy Wilson exclaims, "When you're 16 you can get away with that." This time Tracy I will have to disagree with you. NEVER, except in a Basic Skills USFS competition when you are six-years-old, should these types of movements ever be allowed.

No wonder this man's ego is as high as Mount Everest...his every move has been worshiped since he was a young teen.

Whenever Evgeni performed this program, I have a feeling God felt the same way he did when he flooded the whole earth. A justifiable punishment would've been an earthquake, a tornado, a tsunami...anything! Humanity will be cursed forever for this injustice! We have Evgeni to thank for that.

Unfortunately, life became excessively even more depressing as I came across this video:

Words truly cannot describe my amusement, horror, and confusion over this performance. Evgeni truly has set the bar for himself to an all new level. If he ever goes on whining again about that freakin' quad, I will throw out this video of him on my Iphone (which I do not have...) and smirk. Smirk a devilish grin. And he will have nothing to say. Success.

New, never before seen photos of Evgeni's new exhibition number have been released on the web. This program promises to be his best yet!

Here's a pic of him backstage:

Remembering (or trying to forget) the 2006 Olympic Free Dance

2010-05-26T14:06:00.005-05:00

When the winners of the Olympic title skate to "Carmen" you know that the competition was a hot mess. The whole ice dance event at the 2006 Olympic proved to be filled with memories that will need to be exorcised out of all of us.

Dear old Dick Button was in top form again this evening giving us classic tidbits of wisdom.

"If you're going to sing the national anthem you better be Whitney Houston and not Rosanne Barr."

Even to the crowned Olympic champions, Dick proved to let the snark shower on us all by criticizing Navka and Kostomarov's feet.

Seriously, is this not the most boring Carmen program ever? With enough music cuts to make Tonya Harding proud, this program was too scattered to have much coherence. While Navka knows how to look like an angry hag, that is about the extent of their expression as a team.

Since when did Tom Hammond have enough knowledge of ice dancing to claim that Navka and Kostomarov's program "seemed the most technically difficult" program of the night? HA.

The biggest injustice of the night was the bronze medal being awarded to grease-ball Guncharov and boob-tassle Grushina.

First of all, being subjected to four minutes of "The Feelings Begin" kills all feeling in anyone's body. Dick didn't say word during this performance. I'm thinking he was out before the second beat of music.

Their costume is well..interesting. I suppose the most important "accessory" belonged to Grushina's tassles placed ever so carefully on her bosom. The head band, Goncharov's "super power" cape, and of course, all that white caused Vera Wang to go into cardiac arrest.

Belbin and Agosto's free dance was strong enough to keep them in second place. What is fascinating though is that they make a mistake in the twizzles at the EXACT same time in the music 3:40.

They had a crispness to their movement that they lacked in their later years. Zoueva and Shpilband really gave them strong programs to interpret, while Linichuk mostly gave them washed out crap.

While I'm not the biggest Denkova and Staviski fan, I felt that this performance was underscored and should have propelled them up to a bronze medal. Plus, they skated to a ghetto version of "Adagio." That's pretty badass.

The beginning of the program where Staviski does a butterfly over Denkova is sick.

And finally, once upon a time there was a young Russian team with much promise.

What happened? I suddenly have an urge to have Bonaly circa 94 tantrum over my frustration with this team. I'm thinking Domnina needed to borrow those boob-tassles.

Hell on Earth - the 2006 Olympic Ice Dance Event

2010-05-21T11:32:00.011-05:00

The skate gods love to toy with the emotions of the poor and pitiful humans once in a while, but at 2006 Olympic ice dance event, they were having a field day most likely filled with excessive amounts of alcohol. Boy, did they give us a crazy event to remember.

It all started with the compulsories.

The home team Barbara Fusar-Poli and uh...partner surprised everyone by moving ahead of the entire field by placing first in the compulsories. This couldn't have been worse for Babs already mountainous ego.

Although it was surprising, first place wasn't exactly a controversy. Babs certainly applied enough bronzer to give her the orange skin tone that the judges lust after. They also managed to blend their costumes with the color of the boards which is another added plus. Of course, this dance catered more of the difficult steps to the woman, so naturally Babs was able to shine with her plastered smile.

The ending pose sealed the deal. Maurizio awkwardly burying his face inside Babs' cleavage while she is leaning back in Juliet death mode is truly a Kodak moment.

After finding out that they were atop the leaderboard, Babs brought out the Italian hutspah inside of her and was so freakin' happy that she could've squeezed the guts out of Maurizio. Unfortunately after the original dance that's exactly what she did for the opposite reasons.

The original dance brought about broken dreams, broken egos, and even broken bodies.

Major fall #1 belonged to Drobiazko and Vanagas.

Toe pick.

This performance was HOT up until the horrendous fall. If Dubreuil and Lauzon didn't make this unfortunate mistake, I believe they would have been the North American team that would've won the silver instead of Belbin and Agosto. The whole year the judges were setting them up for a podium finish, their programs were refreshing and innovative, and they were a gorgeous couple.

Out of all the falls that evening, the one that was certainly the most entertaining belonged to Faiella and Scali. After Faiella leaned back on her edge just a wee bit too far, she whips out her inner diva and demands that she not go down alone.

This is classic bitch mode right here. I would definitely give them some extra component scores for the fierceness of that fall. She certainly gave the phrase "two shall be as one" to a whole new level.

Navka and Kostomarov...what can I say about these two? Any woman who falls for Zhulin is sure to be a little crazy in the brain. Poor Kostomarov was just along for the ride. I'm sure Zhulin forgot that Kostomarov even existed most of the time. I just love their series of dance moves from 2:20-2:26. In just six seconds, they performed all the popular dance moves at middle school dances all across America.

The fix was obviously in for these two long before they took the ice, but goodness, I would give the gold medal to any team who could just stay on their own two foot on this evening.

The Americans, Belbin and Agosto, took advantage of their competitors mistakes and skated a lights out performance. Tanith laid down the perk like never before, and they had just enough face in cleavage moments to get top marks.

Finally, for our favorite performance of the evening, Fusar-Poli and Margaglio gave us the best moment of the entire games.

If Babs had her way, Margaglio would be DEAD right now. Absolutely burned to a crisp. I have visions of her with a pitchfork screaming bloody murder and running towards Maurizio.

Poor Maurizio. After so many years of manipulation from his partner, this is his reward: A bitch glare from Babs.

This, my friends, is a life lesson.

Don't pair up with crazy, overpowering Italian woman. They will kill you.

Free dance review to come...

Death in My Soul: Leg Wraps

2010-05-20T12:06:00.006-05:00

Figure skating is such a beautiful sport. It is so ethereal watching a skater glide down the ice wistfully preparing their bodies to accelerate into a flowy, effortless jump.

All that joy is murdered when a skater jumps and contorts their body into a position similar to that of a toddler in need of a toilet.

This is the leg wrap, which turns your jump into crap. That could turn into a delightful rhyme.

Leg wraps are the source of beauty killers in figure skating! No, not even excessive Biellmann spiral positions compare to the horror of this terrible habit.

Here's a list of things in the world that can be compared to the disgusting-ness of leg wraps:

road kill - especially raccoons
stale bread
dead fish handshakes
filthy nails
clowns

Needless to say, leg wraps make skating ugly!

Our model for this "skill" is Yukari Nakano. She had a level four leg wrap that she blessed us with throughout her career.

Are you a YunaBot?

2010-05-19T17:30:00.005-05:00

We all know that figure skating fans can be overly obsessive about their favorite skater. But specific Yu-Na Kim fans take that notion to a whole new level.

These crazy fans have become known as YunaBots. This has become a global epidemic all over the world and unsurprisingly all over South Korea. It is a very dangerous disease that has the ability to possess billions of people. Let's take a quick survey to see if you in fact have been infected.

If you agree with these statements, then you are officially a YunaBot. Seek medical attention immediately.

1. I make overdone, highly professional, obsessive videos of Yuna Kim.

This video truly represents a YunaBot's beliefs - Yuna is all things. She is the universe. She is omniscient and omnipresent. YuNa is God.

2. I believe that all rivals of Yu-Na Kim are of the devil.

Obviously if you're a Yuna Bot, rivals of Yuna are off limits to merely "enjoy." In this video, it is blatantly shown how Miki Ando had the nerve to skate past Yu-Na at the beginning of her program. What a thoughtless jerk!

3. Not only do I believe that Yuna is God over all the earth, but I also testify that Brian Orser is Jesus and David Wilson is the holy spirit. Together they create the "Yuna-ty."

If you or a loved one are medically diagnosed as being a YunaBot, there are solutions. No exposure to Yuna for at least 3 weeks or excessive performance viewings of Mao Asada can subsidize symptoms.

Being a YunaBot is highly contagious. No matter what, get the help you need.

Not Your Ordinary Fan

2010-05-18T22:01:00.000-05:00

On the Ice with Grandma

2010-05-17T17:10:00.003-05:00

This woman should be a spokesperson for Osteoporosis prevention.

This 81-year-old woman has been skating for 67 years. She was probably BFFs with Sonja Henie and most likely dated Ulrich Salchow.

Now Yvonne needs a choreographer as much as she needs her daily fiber, but she is truly amazing on the ice. It goes to show how skating is a wonderful way to keep in shape throughout your entire life. If her body would just let her bend forward, she would basically get all the criteria for a level two footwork sequence! That's pretty remarkable.

This should give everyone inspiration to keep skating or even start skating at an older age. You can be rest assured that it is possible to go out on the ice at 81-years-old and not look like silly-putty on ice. Props Yvonne. Props!

Spice Up Your Life

2010-05-06T14:21:00.004-05:00

My poor blog has been on death row for a little while.
With finals coming up, school has been pretty crazy.
But while I continue my slight hiatus for just a bit longer, here are some fantastic programs to give a bit of spice to your day.

Celebrity Death Match: Weir vs. Lysacek

2010-04-30T19:14:00.013-05:00

Weir said it himself: "We are at war."

The cat fight going on between Evan Lysacek and Johnny Weir is surfacing to be quite the claw-fest. Relations between the two fellow competitors have always been rather dicey, but not until after the Olympics has the general media actually taken notice.

Weir tries to out Lysacek; Lysacek calls Johnny a whiner; Weir calls Lysacek a "slore" (cross between slut and whore). MEOW.

As with any war, there has to be a winner. And so, who is going to prevail in this death match of words between the dancing stick-man and the ga-ga loving prima donna?

This battle is worthy of being featured on an episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch." If you are not familiar with the show, here is a little cliplet:

So then, who would have the edge? Let's break it down:

Johnny Weir

THE PROS

Johnny Weir's the ultimate diva. He's got the sass, the spunk, and the power of Lady Ga-Ga to kick Lysacek to the curb. Weir will shake what his mama gave him in typical run-way fashion with his Prada bag, stilletos, and "malo" while giving Lysacek the glare that will make him wish he were never born.

Another advantage Weir possesses are the help of the crazy Johnny fanatics. Johnny's fans are as outspoken as he is. For instance, take a look at this fan's response to Weir not being a part of the Stars on Ice tour:

Did you see that scowl? I would not mess with this chick. This gal would certainly be Johnny's partner in crime. She'll drop kick any one of Weir's naysayers in one second, twisting their arms to the back of their shoulders screaming at them to yell, "All hail Johnny!" When your fans are this serious, they'll do basically anything to help Weir win the battle.

THE CONS

While his diva-tude can work for his benefit, it can also be his downfall.

Let's face it: Weir can be a wimp. 2003 Nationals anyone? 2005 Skate Canada? WIMP. One kick to the face from Lysacek and Weir could run home screaming for the comforts of his vacuum and foot massager. How many times has he made excuses for being sick, injured, or not on top of his game? His excuses have become as aggravating as the voice of Fran Drescher. If the heat gets too tough from Lysacek, Weir could be facing extermination.

Evan Lysacek

The PROS

Evan Lysacek is one of those types of people who always gets their way. ALWAYS. He's stubborn, dedicated, and can produce tunnel vision like no other. It's no coincidence that these traits propelled him to Olympic gold, while Weir's often scatter-brained personality has kept him from achieving top status.

When it comes to competition, Lysacek channels all the powers of Buddha, Gandhi, and Obama and usually produces when the pressure is over-heating in the crockpot. Beating Weir in this verbal fight will be the only thing on his mind until he powers his way to accomplish it.

The CONS

Lysacek continually projects the "macho man" quality, but when you're a figure skater, that whole mentality is already an uphill battle. It is especially difficult when you tell reporters that you observe birds and try to emulate them on the ice. As we have recently seen with Evan's comments towards Johnny, he is trying a bit too hard to present himself in a favorable light with the media and often finds himself looking like a dufus.

Part of the problem is that the personality we see from Evan is as dry as grandma's bread left in the pantry for months. He tries to project the funny man comments, but too often we find ourselves laughing at the wrong thing: his failure to be funny. Those feathers on his wrists are not giving him the magical powers he hoped for. In order to defend himself against Weir's quick wit, he'll need a lesson or two on the skill of public disposition.

Conclusion

And so, who will win the cat fight?

Evgeni Plushenko of course. He's got three things going for him: He's Russian, he knows how to bitch, and when nothing else works, he will flail his arms in seizure-like fashion. When he comes into the picture, both Weir and Lysacek are doomed.

Bipolar Oksana

2010-04-23T22:14:00.008-05:00

Here is a tribute to our favorite orphan Oksana Baiul.

Throughout her career she has given us performances from the spectrum of exquisite brilliance to absolute and utter crap. Her career has been the Jekyll and Hyde of figure skating. It can be divided into two sections: When she was not intoxicated or high on drugs, and when she was intoxicated and high on drugs.

Case in point:

Oksana is brilliant here. She was born to dance on the ice. If only someone hid the vodka from her we would have more of these performances today.

Unfortunately, once Oksana became crazy, her skating became even crazier.

This program is crap. Absolute crap. As her face got more and more Botox infected, her ability to have a concept of choreography went kaput. Oksana was always a posing-whore on the ice, but this program really goes to criminal levels. We see her do the same two elements of choreography over and over: fist pumping her thighs and every five seconds and punching her shoulder back and forth in succession. Either she's trying to get out all the lactic acid out of her muscles or she's trying to self inflict pain on herself.

Alright, enough of that. Let's improve everyone's mood now with this:

This program is also a beautiful portrayal of her style on the ice. This short program is absolute beauty. It's also interesting to note that if her laces didn't get undone and she wouldn't have stopped, she most likely would not be world champion with a low placement in the short program. And we all know that being world champion carried a lot of weight in her case for Olympic gold.

I've always been one to love some Oksana drama, but this program SCARES me. First of all, she looks like a member of the Ku Klux Klan and the pagan-like chants of "Desert Rose" are enough to make me sleep with the lights on.

To end our trip around Oksana's rocky road, I will leave you with this interview that is in true-Oksana fashion. Wait till you hear the Hyena screeching laughter.

This interview should be shown in public schools as an anti-drug campaign. It should have the title "What you act like when on crack."

Case Study: Michelle Kwan's Salome

2010-04-21T14:13:00.007-05:00

Never before has figure skating seen such a dramatic transformation of a skater than Michelle Kwan's in the summer of 1995. The change was startling - a young 14-year-old girl, simply presented in a ponytail and without make-up to a sophisticated woman at 15-years-old presenting herself as a temptress. For most skaters, a renovation this shocking would be an embarrassing experiment. For Kwan, it started her dominant reign on the ice.

It is truly amazing that a 15-year-old girl was able to pull off this character. Biblically, Salome is the stepdaughter of Herod Antipas, ruler of Galilee. For his birthday, her brief role in the story was to dance before him and her mother. Since Herod was so pleased with her dancing ability, he says he will give her anything she desires. Upon the request of her mother, Salome wishes for the head of John the Baptist, whom Herod despised for spreading Christianity.

Salome's character has been universalized to symbolize the "dangerous" and even "erotic" woman. I can just imagine how awkward it would be for Frank Carroll to downright say to Michelle, "So this year the goal is to be erotic. Got it?"

Before viewing the program, the idea of it seems to be rather controversial. A 15-year-old attempting to portray a seductress? That's a little presumptuous at first thought. But upon her debut at the 1995 Skate America, it is clear that the conception of the program is brilliantly brought out.

The opening pose is exquisite in itself. The beginning is devoted to setting the mood in which Salome is performing her dance. Never before had we seen this young skater stretch her whole body so much. Every little detail down to the fingertip has meaning and importance.

There was so much talk that season that Michelle finally became an "artist." Well what the heck does that really mean? I think it goes deeper than what most people would naturally presume on the surface. In skating, the movement and music are together taken as the art form. If we look at the artistic side of skating as a hierarchy, the music would be at the top. It is the music that is most important as it directs the movement of the body on the ice. In Michelle's Salome program, the music dictated every single nuance of the choreography. It was a reaction to what the music was expressing. And the music and movement truly merged together to create art.

The 1996 World's version is the ultimate performance of Salome. The end of the program is one of the most iconic scenes in all of skating history when Michelle brings her hands to her face to hide her tears of joy and relief and Dick Button fantastically exclaims, "What an extraordinary performance..she gave nothing up, nothing in that performance."

This program will forever be one of the signature programs in skating history. Unfortunately with the demands of the new system, we will most likely never be able to see a transformation like this again. All the more should it urge the skating fan to appreciate this transformation that is a prime example of artistry in figure skating at its finest.

Skating Through Pictures

2010-04-20T23:48:00.006-05:00

Figure skating is a sport filled with athleticism

And grace.

It is also a sport that can break your ass.

And even your head.

Figure skating keeps us sweet and innocent.

But also brings out the deep down inner pervert.

It serves as a crystal ball, under covering what we will look like 60 years from now.

It even proves the theory of evolution.

Figure skating is honest. It exposes our real selves.

Most importantly, figure skating unites us all together in love and harmony.

New Season, New Rules

2010-04-13T21:06:00.003-05:00

There are talks going around of potential rule changes that will be voted on this June at the ISU Council. If passed, these proposed rule changes will please those that are frustrated over the repetition and messiness that the new system can include.

In the senior men's short program, there will still be two step sequences, but they will differ from each other. One will be structured in the same way that currently is with the same requirements for turns, steps, and upper body to gain higher levels. But the second step sequence will give the skater a considerable amount of freedom. The step sequence will have a base value, but will not have a designated level assigned to it. The main focus of this step sequence will be for artistic purposes - to interpret the music, include more field moves, and be creative. The judges will then give pluses or minuses based on this criteria.

In the senior women's short program, a similar process will go for the spiral sequence. There will be a base mark for the element without any level, and the women will have the freedom to include whatever spirals they wish, without having to worry about grasping their leg behind their head.

For spins, there is a proposed change to only allow the same feature once per program. For instance, if a skater does a cannonball sit spin variation in their combination spin, if they repeat it in a separate spin it will not count. This will also include edge changes and the eight-revolutions feature.

By the summer we will find out if these changes will come to light next season.

Ice Skating Movies - Two Thumbs Down

2010-04-11T21:03:00.005-05:00

Figure skating movies suck.

A lot.

It's the mellow dramatics of it all, the fakeness, the cheese-worthiness. It's the plastic surgery of figure skating.

Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I cry thinking that millions of Americans only exposure to figure skating is Will Ferrell and Jon Heder's crotch pose lift.

I was ten years old the first, and only time I saw "Ice Castles." Even at the age of ten, I was horrified.

Seriously, the girl's blind. Maybe I should go blind as well so I can make my triple loop look as good as hers.

The theme song has enough of the cheese factor to make me lactose-intolerant for life.

While "The Cutting Edge" is probably the most respectable out of all the skating movies in history, there are still many cringe-worthy moments.

Skating movies showing spotlights in competitions is really obnoxious. I love how they can talk to each other throughout the routine. They certainly don't see a need to raise their voices at all.

Because it couldn't get cheesy enough, the Cutting Edge was recreated into a sequel.

Just the first few minutes kill me. All the skaters look like drag queens and ready to hit the polls. All the over-dramatization of the falling is priceless. And to top it all off, Oksana Baiul is the commentator! Watching this could warrant a heart attack.

And because the creators of these sequels wanted to finish off putting death into each and every one of our soul's, they made a "Cutting Edge 3."

And then there's Ice Princess - the movie that taught every little girl to shoot for the stars and climb every mountain to reach their dreams.

Unfortunately, it promoted false advertising and blatant lying by saying that any math whiz could simply make a formula to land a triple lutz.

Surprisingly, the pinnacle moment in the movie is not the skater winning the Olympics. No, she is at the Sectionals. No 8-year-old girl wants to see a skater fighting for a spot to make Nationals. Give us the flippin' Olympics!

And finally, we have Blades of Glory.

Whether to laugh or cry, I'm not certain.

All I know is that they make Johnny Weir proud.

For those Nostalgic, Melancholy Days

2010-04-10T13:54:00.004-05:00

Here are some programs for those "blah" days were you feel a little blue. If you're in the right mood, these programs could make you shed a tear.

Dancing with the Monotone Flailer

2010-04-07T19:12:00.004-05:00

Evan Lysacek's stint with Dancing with the Stars has been successful thus far, but it has been obvious that some of his weaknesses are showing through in his performances.

The fluff in this performance is jam packed with awkwardness. When Evan tries to pull the jokester card, I can't help but cringe. He doesn't have any sort of conviction to pull off being the funny man. He often has no facial expressions, speaks in a monotone voice, and looks rather bored. He has the face of Ben Stein.

Evan needs to get some Russian oomph from his partner in his interviews and personality. While this performance showed a bit more of his personality, he still doesn't come across as genuine. He has acquired Sasha Cohen's acting technique. Not very successful.

Last week's performance of the Jive brought back some wonderful memories of Evan's Grease program that he dropped before the Olympics.

Frank: "This is a wonderful, entertaining, fabulous program."

Frank certainly knows how to lay on the BS.

Stars on Ice Past and Present

2010-04-01T22:28:00.003-05:00

The United States Stars on Ice tour kicked off today in Fort Myers, Florida. Evan Lysacek debuted his new exhibition program to "Man in the Mirror" choreographed by Dancing with the Stars cast member Mark Ballas. Reports show that Davis and White planned on reprising their Indian Original dance as well. The show looks to be an exciting night of skating with the current crop of Olympic skaters, but it still makes me nostalgic for the glory days of Stars on Ice -

These were the days when the economy was booming, the U.S. had no wars to deal with, and figure skating warmed the hearts and souls of millions of Americans everywhere.

Stars on Ice was the quintessential skating show.

Even if these some of these group numbers had its moments of cheese, it was hard to not love them. It is very possible that this particular group program contributed to Lloyd Eisler being such a tool.

And of course, the golden years of Stars on Ice gave us this -

And this

And this

Even past the golden years of the 1990s, I felt that Christopher Dean's work in the early 2000s was incredibly original and quite the spectacle.

Although, we should all erase this group number from all of our memories.

Fall From Grace

2010-03-31T21:17:00.004-05:00

After 17 years of being the perfect child and student, Rachael Flatt has finally rebelled.

Upon returning home from the world championships in Torino, Italy on Monday, her parents said that their daughter's behavior began a dramatic shift. Rachael started talking back to her parents, wearing dark clothes, applying black makeup, and looking dazed and careless. Her parents have not been able to revive her ever since.

"We just want the old Rachael back," her mother, Jody said. "In all her life, she had never made one bad decision. She was the epitome of the perfect child."

Rachael has been skating since she was four-years-old, and has progressed in the skating world ever since winning the National title in 2010. Along with her skating achievements, she has been an A-student throughout her life, taking AP classes throughout her current senior year of high school. She has applied to nine colleges including Stanford, Princeton, and Harvard. Everyone around her commends her amazing work ethic; that is, until now.

Her mother now fears that her future will consist of nothing but drugs, booze, and laziness.

"Her father and I got really excited because yesterday she expressed an interest to skate again," she said.

"But we soon found out she was referring to skateboarding."

Our investigative crew found Rachael underneath a bridge in Colorado Springs with her new found friends. We asked if she would like to make any comments. Her only reply was, "I hate life."

ISU and the Demise of Figure Skating

2010-03-30T09:57:00.005-05:00

The International Skating Union is unfortunately digging more holes for itself.

This June, they are gathering for the annual ISU Congress and many changes are being proposed to the sport. Due to dwindling funds, there are many difficult decisions that are to be made, but the ones that officials of the ISU are planning to put in place will no doubtingly hurt figure skating than they even imagine.

In response to the reduction in the number of skaters competing at ISU championships, there is a plan to have only 24 singles skaters qualify for a short program with then only 18 qualifying for the long program. Out of 53 ladies skaters and 46 men, over half of these skaters would not even make it to the world championships next season.

As well as these cuts, the judges will suffer as well. If this vote passes in June, only judges with skaters competing in the event may be able to judge. This would create a very skewed judging event, with national bias becoming more evident.

The development of skaters from "weaker" skating countries would certainly be hindered with these changes. Without the experience of competing at the world championships or other ISU events, their progress will not develop as competitors.

On the flip side of that, this may also cause skaters to work all the more to qualify to these big events and make the worlds an event that becomes even more prestigious.

In the world of ice dancing, some extreme changes are going to be made next season.

At the Congress, the ISU will vote on the compulsory dance section being eliminated and the original dance combining elements and set patterns from the compulsories with lifts and footwork that will be set to music of the skaters choosing.

Also, for the most eye-popping change, the free dance will be required to not make you want to commit suicide. The music must have some sort of uplifting rhythm to it, and if it is deemed depressing there will be a deduction.

First of all, some of the peppiest programs I have seen in ice dancing are the most depressing.

This is the change that is making me go the most bananas. What will be judged depressing and what will not? In order to be on the safe side, we are going to be subjected to program after program of Michael Jackson, Polka, and Chubby Checker.

It is understandable that changes must be made, but the ones that the ISU are proposing do not seem to be helping our already messed up sport. Although it's hard to know the whole story of these proposed changes at the moment, the ISU has not set themselves up for a positive response from the public.

Could This Be Goodbye?

2010-03-28T16:00:00.005-05:00

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir are now royally set with the hardware they need to complete their careers. With their 3 Canadian titles, Olympic title, and brand new World title, a cash-filled and star-powered professional career is screaming their names. For the sake of ice dance, we ask them to stay. They have hardly reached their potential. Who knows what magnificent programs they could create in the next four years. But with Tessa's injuries, and possibly a lack of drive, they may feel no need to continue.

Yu-Na Kim is in the same boat. I believe the big issues that stand in her way are the views of her federation. She may have a very enticing reason to stay depending on how much money they award her to keep her competing. Either way, Yu-Na will continue to be a superstar. And the Asada-Kim rivalry is only at the stages that the Kwan-Lipinski rivalry ended at. The continuation of these two skaters could be an amazing thing for the sport.

Then again, a professional career for Yu-Na could do wonders for the sport on a global level. She is already a superstar in South Korea, but with the correct marketing, she could surely become a world entity.

On the men's side, it is only a matter of time before Lysacek and Weir announce their retirements. I do not believe either of them will continue past this season, although the probability of Lysacek returning is slightly higher than Weir's. Lysacek's love of competition is much stronger than Weir's, but I believe Lysacek will try to milk the media wave as long as possible, just like Weir will.

Plushenko will soon enough loose his knees and stop competing. Doesn't he have a bunch of kiddies running around the house to worry about?

Only in Torino

2010-03-28T13:12:00.009-05:00

Zany.

That's about the only word I can use to describe the ladies event at these Worlds.

Placements from the short to long programs were changed and shuffled as much as Elizabeth Taylor changed husbands. Mirai Nagasu was 1st after the short, dropped to 11th in the long, and 7th overall. Yu-Na Kim went from 7th in the short, to 1st in the long, and 2nd overall. Akiko Suzuki went from 20th in the short, to 7th in the long, and 11th overall. Among the splats, and well, more splats, the judging created more controversial results.

Mao Asada finished her season off nicely, beating Yu-Na Kim for the first time since the 2008 Grand Prix Final. It seems as though the curse of Tarasova was lifted from her without her furry presence. The girl finally stuck it to the "Bells of Moscow" and skated with passion and fire. I suppose I would to knowing that this was the last time I'd ever perform this manic piece of noise.

Who knew that the brightest moment throughout the entire event would be Cynthia Phaneuf's free skate?

This girl has had a season pass to Six Flags for many years now, as she has had one roller coaster of a career. She was set to be Canada's long awaited superstar back in 2004, when she burst onto the scene winning the National title and placing 2nd at the Four Continents Championships. Since then, this girl has gone through a massive growth spurt and has been plagued by inconsistency and a lack of confidence ever since.

It's so good to see her kick some butt and deservedly so place in the top 5. It's a shame that she couldn't have snuck into the medals, but with how close places 3rd-7th were, it was basically as if all five of those skaters were globbed together into one massive unit.

Thankfully Yu-Na Kim can get some rest now after what was the most stressful season of her life. It was evident that she was exhausted throughout the competition, and her federation's push to make her compete proved to be costly. The Queen had no juice left in her and after that fall on the triple salchow, it was clear that the Queen needed a nap in the royal court. Even still, a silver medal at the world championships is nothing to sneaze at heck, she still even won the free skate. She's still the Queen.

I believe many of the judges are suffering from dimentia, as many of them thought we were stuck in the year 1973 by giving the three triple performance of Laura Lepisto's the bronze medal.

I will say that Laura is a lovely skater and a beautiful woman.

But I'm afraid figure skating isn't a Miss USA pageant.

Ok, maybe sometimes it is.

Which is why we are all shaking our heads at this placement. Freakin' Oksana Baiul circa 1997 could've won a bronze medal here if we're going with this type of performance. The judges have gotten tired of the Kostner crack and are now shifting to heavy amounts of the Lepisto crack. Next thing you know, Lepisto will win worlds next year with only a double axel.

Unfortunately for Mirai Nagasu, a fall on the double axel cost her the bronze medal and 3 spots for the United States. Poor girl felt the pressure and for the first time in a while, it showed in her performance. I have no doubt that this experience will only strengthen her and she'll come out next season vying for that world title.

The Apocalypse Is Here

2010-03-26T19:19:00.005-05:00

There are riots in the streets. Groans and moans everywhere you turn. Families have been broken apart. All are in massive depression.

Is this the Apocalypse? Close. It's the country of South Korea after finding out that their Queen Yu-Na is in 7th place after the short program at the world championships. No one would have foreseen this result, but this is figure skating we're talking about.

The unpredictable leader of the pack, Mirai Nagasu has officially established herself as not only the head American star, but a top world competitor. She has transformed into a consistent competitor, a strong jumper, and the joy in her skating is more present than ever. She has come such a long way since 2008 Nationals when she didn't even want to compete.

In 2nd place, Mao Asada has set herself up nicely for coming back in the long and taking her 2nd world title. Her under-rotation on the triple axel came as no surprise, as attempting it has backfired time and again in competition this season, being under-rotated frequently (thankfully not at the Olympics though). Although, I heavily disagree that this triple axel attempt was under-rotated. If Nagasu's combination wasn't downgraded, then Mao's axel should not have either. The technical specialist must be on the crack now.

I agree with Tara saying that this program needs some personality. She needs to review tapes of Krylova skating the monkeys out of this music. By the way, where's Tarasova?

Laura Lepisto - She finally got over her OCD habit of doubling the triple/triple combination. Of course, she gets through the big jumps and then has a mistake on the double axel. But with the craziness of the competition, she finds herself in 3rd place. I predict she'll double her triple/triple in the long, but the judges will give her GOE's into the sky. I predict she'll come away with the bronze (I'm partly saying that because whenever I make predictions I'm wrong).

Carolina Kostner - How the heck is this in 4th place? She's in Italy and the judges love Kostner crack. I suppose I answered my own question. Her performance was shaky, and she looked nervous competing at home. The first part of the program is the same as Cynthia Phaneuf, and I find myself liking Phaneuf's much better.

It was obvious that something went wrong with Yu-Na's right boot after the landing of her triple flip. From the jerk on the landing, it looks to me like her boot became loose. This is a common problem for skaters and when it happens, all support is gone. The bobbles on the spiral sequence totally looked like her boot wasn't holding up at all. Orser was wise not to blame her performance on it, but it is really obvious that this was the issue. I certainly hope Yu-Na will recover from this. From how she handled the pressure of the Olympics, I can see her totally skating lights out tomorrow, but she also had some rather shaky mental lapses this season. She is certainly not out of the running. With a great skate, she could certainly come back and win it all for the 2nd year in a row.

Other Thoughts

God is finally punishing Morosov through his students at these worlds. Justice is being done. It has not been a very happy trip for his camp so far first with Oda and now with Ando.

I die everytime Johnny Weir and Peter Carruthers are commentating together. You can just sense that they absolutely LOATHE each other. It would be a spectacle to put both Johnny and Peter inside a wrestling ring and see what would happen.

Andrea Joyce is a goon.

Splatting the World by Storm

2010-03-25T23:35:00.003-05:00

OUCH. I need aspirin.

The men's final proved to be splatastic, splatacular, and splatical. A combined amount of 14 falls graced the Torino audience. I believe the issue came down to the men wanting to thank the ice for giving them the opportunity to skate; thus they made the unwise decision to try and hug the ice.

Daisuke Takahashi renewed the order of the nature by saving us all from the splatfest and skating a phenomenal performance to take the world title. The quad flip attempt was incredible even though it was under-rotated (slightly). Takahashi's comeback this season has been outstanding, especially considering his injury that took him out all of last season.

2nd place Patrick Chan

3rd Place Brian Joubert

The judges were still burning the incense after the men's event with many questionable placements as usual. The judges can dictate the program component score as much as they wish, and they certainly put that to good use at this event. Joubert's components were again incredibly high for all the 258 crossovers he performed. While Chan's PCS scores are more deserved, his mistake-ridden skate should be reflected somewhat in the marks. While Michal Brezina does not have the refinement of Chan or the quad of Joubert, his skate certainly could be argued to be podium worthy.

Besides Takahashi and Brezina, the other man who stole the night was Adam Rippon with a fantastic skate featuring his own Rippon lutz. Both Rippon and Brezina skated clean in their first world championships, establishing their position as top men in the future.

Even with some great performances, ultimately at the end of the night I think this look sums up all of our faces:

2010 World Championships - Judges Smokin' the Reefer

2010-03-24T19:47:00.004-05:00

For all my five fans out there (including grandma), I apologize for not updating this blog frequently in the past few weeks. My busy schedule has taken over, and unfortunately, this blog has had to take a back seat. It will get better though, I promise.

With the World Championships occurring this week, lots of skating is to be covered. The pairs event is already complete, and the men's short and compulsory dances are already in the books. There has been a lot of great skating and some surprising meltdowns thus far, but most importantly, the judges have been making many questionable decisions that can only be explained through the use of drugs.

Top WTF moments thus far -

1. Jeremy Abbott's 6th place Short Program

The judges were clearly suffering from drug withdrawals during Abbott's skate as he received low 7's in the program component score. This was an incredible injustice. Abbott's program was one of the best he has done all season, and with all his transitions and intricate choreography, he should have components at least in the 8's.

Instead they saved the 8's for this:

"Take a slice of this french silk pie judges!"

By the time Joubert took the ice, the judges shot up again, and were seeing the rainbows and unicorns.

Who needs Plushenko when we have Joubert to love on himself?

In the judges defense, the top three spots are justified: Takahashi, Chan, and Joubert all skated extremely well. Abbott should've been 4th at least and not 6-8 points behind the leaders as he is.

2. Kavaguti and Smirnov placing 3rd in the long program to secure a bronze medal

This performance was marred by two falls and Yuko's petite frame snapping into bits before our eyes. This performance should have at least been behind Trankov/Mukhortova and the Zhang's for 5th best. Maybe it was the circus theme, Smirnov's skin tight costume, the crazy hard fall, or the cheestastic choreography, but something triggered those judges to feel the buzz and hike up the program components. Hey, maybe Moskvina was the dealer?

I can't imagine what the judges will do next.

Around the World of Figure Skating March 18

2010-03-18T23:23:00.004-05:00

As we look forward to the World Championships and "On Thin Ice" the next two weeks, there has been a bit of a lull in figure skating news, but here are the leading headlines for this week:

Unfortunately, Elvis has not left the building yet. In this recent article he is still fussing to the media saying you are a male only if you do a quad. I guess that means 99.9999% of the world are females.

I find his over-aggressive masculine statements to be a bit hypocritical when he in fact skates to Ashley Tisdal - the disney queen of femininity.

I doubt even Johnny Weir would agree to skate to this.

Fumie Suguri has made an announcement that she's competing next year. This means that she's officially competing until she's crippled. And I mean she's not stopping until she's a 90-year-old brittle boned lady on her death bed. I guess she hasn't completed all of the music selections on the "Most overused skating music" CD. Let me predict that next year she'll come out with the beautiful symphonic sounds of "Tosca."

Even with a broken foot, Ryan Bradley is going to worlds. I'm not sure if he is a heroine or if he has proven the definition of insanity, but regardless, we wish him the best of luck. It would truly be an amazing story if he skated lights out and somehow pulled off a medal.

Skating tours across the world are getting set for the spring. Stars on Ice will tour the U.S., Canada, and Japan throughout the spring and summer. The debate on Johnny Weir not being invited is still in the news and is actually giving him PR that is helping his career.

Festa on Ice, featuring Queen Yu-Na, will be held in South Korea April 16-18, with stars including Patrick Chan, Brian Joubert, Domnina and Shabalin, and Zhang and Zhang, which were invited for the bathroom break. Some of the choices for the tour are a little questionable, but regardless, I'm absolutely positive the show will be a rousing success.

Kings on Ice set to tour Russia, Sweden, Slovakia, and the Czech Republic, will be another fantastic tour featuring Evgeni Plushenko, Johnny Weir, and Savchenko and Szolkowy. My one hope is that Plushenko would reprise this magnificent performance. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Ottavio SINquanta's New Ordeal

2010-03-15T19:29:00.003-05:00

ISU President Ottavio Cinquanta is in the news this week for negative reasons once again.

As all of you have most likely heard so far, he is not giving a sanction to Joannie Rochette to perform an exhibition on the ABC special "On Thin Ice" this weekend unless she skates at the World Championships next week. After Rochette withdrew from the championships due to being physically and mentally exhausted (and for good reason) he is not letting her perform under ISU rules.

I decided to find some background on Cinquanta and what I found startled me. He has a past that has never came to light....until now.

Ottavio Cinquanta grew up as a speed skater, but when he was eight years old, he had a terrible accident on the ice in which he collided with another speed skater and flew into the barrier head on. He suffered traumatic head injuries.

Since then, Cinquanta has not been the same.

Symptoms of his crash include not being able to tell the difference between speed skating and figure skating unless he sees sequins, being a stickler on rules that should not pertain to the current state of figure skating, making decisions based on his own distorted conscience, having an obsession with money, and generally being an ass.

Separating figure skating with speed skating in the union has been long overdue. What exactly does speed skating and figure skating have in common except for the fact that it's on ice with skates? They are absolutely two different commodities that should have separate governing bodies. The only reason that they are combined is for Cinquanta's own self interest in letting speed skating chew on figure skating's success. And because of it, figure skating is having its own share of struggles.

The Scream [Still] Heard Around the World

2010-03-11T21:24:00.008-06:00

I have a confession to make. I realize that this will taint my reputation immensely. But it must be said.

I love Tara Lipinski.

Ahhhh. I can't believe I said it. Ok, I feel better now.

Don't ask me why, because I don't know. The Kween was always the favored one and the better skater. Even though Michelle will forever be a legend, Tara will still be remembered for blowing out the hearing aides of senior citizens everywhere from the exorcism scream after winning the Olympics. Regardless, there was something about her that was endearing. Maybe it was the monkey grin or the prepubescent perk. It will remain a mystery forever in my mind. But all I know is that her skating days when she had hips would make any pedophile proud.

Even though she is about seven years older than me, I always thought she was the same age as me up until I was around 12-years-old. I honestly thought the commentators were lying when they said she was 15.

Tara's rise to fame was due in part to her 6-year old body, her obsessive work ethic, her skate mommy, and Richard Callaghan. That combination proved to be golden.

Then at 15 she shocked the skating world and decided to go pro. As a professional, Tara was able to be a prostitute genie at the age of 17 -

Be a circus clown.

And represent the women of America everywhere.

In her last years of skating, I felt as if Tara was really growing as an artist. I thought her "Color of Roses" program was lovely -

As well as her Paint it Black program. She was finally becoming the diva we always knew was inside of her.

Unfortunately, without hips and a desire to skate, Tara turned to the dark side; she began an acting career.

I felt like this commercial was the high point of her acting career. Her part was so believable and she never once looked out of character.

Unfortunately, the pedophiles are still after her.

Tara Lipinski Gets Grabbed by a Stranger

Tara Lipinski Can't Find her Valet Ticket

Tara Lipinski Looks on While Leaving Bar Delux

I imagine Richard Callaghan might be one of them.

Figure Skating on The Telly

2010-03-09T16:14:00.009-06:00

Thanks to the success of the Olympics, the media will be interested in figure skating for another couple of hours or so. By the time mid March rolls around, the media will forget that skating ever existed and go back to covering what Lindsey Lohan is currently smoking or who styled George Clooney's grey hair. So is life I suppose.

But this isn't stopping producers from planning skating specials and having skaters involved in various television shows.

Evan Lysacek will of course be on "Dancing with the Stars" starting March 22. And according to this article, there may be another "Skating with Celebrities" in the works for the ABC network. Let's hope this version isn't a flop and we must make Lloyd Eisler stay as far away from the show as humanly possible.

On March 19 and 21, ABC will feature On Thin Ice, a reality show pairing together various figure skating stars for some major prize money donated to a charity of their choice. The teams include David Pelletier and Elena Berezhnaya, Stephane Lambiel and Shizuka Arakawa, Shae-lynn Bourne and John Zimmerman, Michael Weiss and Marie France-Dubreuil, and Jamie Sale and Patrice Lauzon. Joannie Rochette will make a special guest appearance.

Judges include our favorite man ever Dick Button, Kristi Yamaguchi, and Katarina Witt. Hosts are Kurt Browning and Elizabeth Hassleback.

Over the years, skating fans have been treated to reality TV specials about skating that are worthy of being thrown in the trash bin and shipped off to the dump never to be seen again.

One of the biggest trash pieces ever was the 1998 special, "The Dark Side of Figure Skating."

This is the only available segment on YouTube and is especially puke-worthy. The narrator is totally from "America's Most Wanted" and him referring to ice dancing as "Sex On Ice" can actually be true unfortunately. I love whenever Pasha graces the television. She claims that she was an innocent 18 year old when she started the affair with Zhulin. Ohh Pasha. Once that whore came out of the womb, I'm sure she was flirting with the other babies at the hospital. She doesn't have an innocent bone in her body.

I recall being a young 8 year old when this special was on television. I was home alone and excited to see in my TV guide paper that skating was going to be on television. I should have been warned that it was a FOX special. I again should have been warned that it was called "The Dark Side of Figure Skating." But I watched it aimlessly. Afterward, let's just say I couldn't sleep for days and peed myself twice a night.

A couple years ago, WE television (the channel for post menopause women) aired a television series called "Skating's Next Star." I admit that I watched it. And I admit that I would rather be waterboarded.

The competition consisted of skaters with less ability than the flower girls at the Olympics. I believe they were competing for a feature article in International Figure Skating Magazine and a guest spot on a tour that of course, never surfaced. A lot was on the line as you can tell.

The judging panel consisted of a grouping worse than 3 doped up Paula Abdul's: Elvis Stojko, Pasha Grishuk, and Rudy Galindo. Elvis Stojko proves himself to be even more of a tool in this clip.

And the special that takes the cake is the must see "Breaking the Ice" reunion with Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan back from 1997. Watching this confrontation between the two of them is more awkward than seeing your great grandmother naked.

And I couldn't resist....

I actually agree with Tonya in this clip. I must say the bitch still knows how to keep herself in the news.

Holy Splat! The Career of Carolina Kostner

2010-03-06T16:10:00.010-06:00

Throughout the eight years of this long-limbed Italian star's career, Carolina Kostner's splats were like a nostalgic old pair of pajamas; you could always count on them for being there for you.

Case in point -

Even though she usually finds herself soaked from falling, or performing a program worthy of a pre-juvenile skater, no one can deny her amazing speed, natural beauty, and hey, even at times some charisma!

It is a known fact that the judges have had a love affair with Kostner ever since the first they saw her splat. She is their precious jewel. The more she falls, the more they get to see her bum, and the higher her PCS scores go. Her results have been some of the most controversial over the past decade, and not for good reason.

In 2004, she placed 5th at the world championships following a dismal 2nd half of her program. Yet 10 of the 14 judges in the (terrible) interim system gave her technical marks between 5.7-5.9. When Peggy Fleming lays on the snark following the marks, you know that the judges were seriously doped up.

Part of Carolina's troubles over the years have resulted in her controversial placements above two queens at the world championships: Michelle Kwan in 2005, and Yu-Na Kim in 2008.

At the 2005 world championships, she placed above Kwan by .4 points, edging the Kween out of the medals for the first time in a decade. It was inevitable that overtaking the Kween was going to have its consequences.

The pressure that she was under at the 2006 Olympics was overbearing as she went into her home country as a reigning world medalist. Many mistakes throughout both of her programs dropped her to 9th place.

Following the Olympic year, she did win the first of her three European titles in 2007. Her performance in the short program at the 2007 world championships was stunning. I believe it was by far her best program and performance she has ever done. The music suits her perfectly, and her skating skills are gorgeous.

But of course, her long program was a disaster and dropped her to 6th.

At the 2008 world championships, she won the silver medal to the horror of skating fans everywhere with a performance that was in true Kostner fashion.

Whenever I think of the judges at this event, I think of nine little Gollum characters from The Lord of the Rings who are smothering their hands together whispering, "My Precious!" as Kostner takes the ice. They certainly were feeling the love at this event giving her 120 points after making four major mistakes and executing telegraphed jumps that would make Liashenko squeal with delight.

The judges favored Kostner over a clean Nakano (who was 4th) and an injured, but strong skate by Yu Na Kim (3rd). This was strike two for Kostner's dethroning of a queen, by placing above Kim who was a queen in the making at this event. Messing with skating royalty is a big deal and after doing it a second time, a curse was certainly put on the rest of Kostner's career.

This curse was certainly fulfilled at the 2009 worlds. She skated a wonderful pre-preliminary performance that placed her 2nd at the Spring Sk8 'N Glide Basic Skills competition.

With no where to go but up after that mess, Kostner decided to change coaches and move to L.A. to work with Frank Carroll and Christa Fassi.

It looked to be a promising partnership, but she had trouble in her grand prix events and failed to make the Grand Prix Final. Rumors were looming that Carroll dumped Kostner mid-season because she wasn't doing full run-throughs in practice that Carroll insists upon. Still working with Fassi, she did win her 3rd European title.

An outside shot at a medal was looking to be a possibility for her at the Vancouver Olympics, but a shaky short program placed her 7th. With nothing to lose but her pride, she lost even that with a free skate that included three falls and only one clean triple. She ended up 16th.

I think she is due for a solid performance at the world championships in a few weeks which is ironically in her home country in Torino. Whether or not this will be her last competition, we will remember her as the skater that graced us with her skill and beautiful look on the ice and of course, the falls that made us cringe. In a world with uncertainty, it was nice being able to rely on a Kostner splat.

Be Good Johnny Weir - The Gift that Keeps on Giving

2010-03-06T13:09:00.005-06:00

I try to stop watching Be Good Johnny Weir, but alas, I fail. It's impossible to understand the life of Johnny Weir, but it intrigues me to no end. The episodes are surfacing on Youtube and this segment must be my favorite:

The segment with David Wilson is especially telling. During the summer, we heard Johnny talking up his programs to the point where he was going to be the Obama of figure skating promoting "Change" all over with his style. During the beginning of the year, it is safe to say that the majority of his skating fans were disappointed. The programs seemed similar to others he had done in the past, and nothing was especially different or abstract.

Seeing him work with Wilson, I think that Wilson had ideas to rejuvenate Johnny's skating. They had some great things set for the program, but then it was obvious that Galina changed a lot of it. It's impossible to know the whole story, but it seems that it was possibly Galina who watered a lot of it down. His short program showed more pizazz as the season progressed, but the beginning was essentially transition-less and it wasn't until all the jumps were complete that he really turned on the juice.

It certainly is striking seeing the dynamic change with Priscilla and now with Galina. Johnny and Galina seem to always be in an argument with each other, but I think in the end, Johnny needs a control freak as a coach. He certainly doesn't like her overbearing hand, but that is often what Johnny needs as a competitor.

After seeing more of these episodes, I can't see Johnny continuing to compete after this season. This year seemed to really be taxing on him and I think the high of competition after the Olympics really excited Johnny and gave him an optimistic attitude. That high will soon go away and I expect his retirement to occur after Worlds. He will be a show skater and pursue his other passions.

The real star of the show is Patti Weir. She is Johnny's reality and keeps him centered. I love every appearance she has on the show and the wisdom she always provides.

"Having a child that figure skates is to realize that as a parent you will no longer have a retirement fund." - Patti Weir

More episodes on YouTube:

After the Olympics - The Media Frenzy

2010-03-04T14:46:00.009-06:00

With the Olympics behind us, the media frenzy after the Games provides skaters with many chances to cash in on their Olympic success. Let's take a look at what some of the stars are doing.

Yu Na Kim

Not only is Yu Na becoming the Asian version of Oprah with her celebrity status, but apparently she also has the power to make North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il smile.

In a recent article, the Korean press is stating that after Yu-Na's win, the economy is rising and relations with North Korea improving. They are predicting that her success will make South Korea a world power. Yu-Na has the power of Hitler right now and if she wanted to, she could basically be President of the world.

I'm not sure how Yu-Na is going to prepare for the World Championships with all her endorsements, but to doubt Yu-Na is to doubt that the sun will rise tomorrow. Although I predict that it is very possible that she will not show up. The sting of possibly coming 2nd to Asada if she doesn't train properly might cause Korea to have a psychological meltdown.

Johnny Weir

Johnny became one of the most talked about stars of the Games even without medaling. He has certainly been making the rounds on the media whirlwind appearing on Regis and Kelly, The Joy Behar show, and of course continuing with his television series.

In the Joy Behar interview, Joy was not remotely obnoxious, which to me made her appear even more obnoxious. Anyway, Johnny handled her questions like a pro. Him stating that any football or hockey player would cry if they did what he did for a day was diva-licious.

Even without the results he wanted, I feel as if he accomplished his real goal at the Games - publicity. And that's perfectly fine and seems to be working for him. The outrageousness of Johnny Weir never fails to disappoint us, and whether you love him or hate him, he certainly makes figure skating even more dimensional than it already is.

Evan Lysacek

Frank Carroll better be getting a large chunk of Evan's earnings, because he seems to be getting them in the multitudes. Even though he's been getting the gigs, Evan's personality through the TV shines as brightly as a rainy day. The monotone voice and stiff personality don't exactly spell out media star. Even still, he has made the rounds on Leno and Letterman, and of course now will be on Dancing with the Stars. It will be somewhat refreshing seeing him in costumes other than black for a change. I'm also hoping for sequins in the multitudes. That would create level 4 snarks I am positive.

I'm not sure how he worked out doing Dancing with the Stars with his already planned Stars on Ice contract as it seems that he will miss all Sunday-Tuesday shows. In some ways, I feel that it is unfair for him to drop the bucket with SOI when he already had this commitment, but again, it could help the fan base of figure skating if he succeeded in the show.

He looked more relaxed on the Letterman show, but he still has a lot of work to do if he wants to become a household media star. He should maybe take a note from Johnny on how to get people talking.

Joannie Rochette

According to this article, Joannie is going to be one of the most marketable athletes of the Games. While it is so exciting that Joannie's courage, heart, and skating is being embraced by the media, it is terribly sad that it came at such a traig cost. Her fame in Canada is likely to skyrocket, and already in the United States, she is getting endorsements with made-for-TV skating specials set for next fall as well as performing at On Thin Ice at the end of the month. She is really one of the most likeable athletes ever to grace our world.

Virtue and Moir

Could God have created a more perfect couple? I have no doubt that they will live happily ever after in a castle and have children who look just like them and are perfect and don't sin and just skate all day. Oh wait...they aren't dating. Regardless, these two are most definitely going to become household names in Canada. They are beautiful and personable and all the more when they are together.

Evgeni Plushenko

Reports claim that he has eloped with Elvis Stojko. He and Elvis plan a tour across the world entitled, "Purple Pants and Flailing Arms: How to Win a Gold Medal."

The Mr. Zamboni Awards! Olympic Edition

2010-02-27T09:50:00.009-06:00

The Olympic Games are complete and what a whirlwind they were! After two weeks of nonstop action, they provided us with lasting memories that wipe the terrible Torino memories from all of our minds.
Today I will give out my own awards to the skaters in my own chosen categories. This is the next most prestigious honor next to the Olympics and the skaters are very anxious to see who wins what award.

To start things off, we have the Tara Lipinski Most Excitable Kiss 'N Cry Award.

This is given to the skater who embraces their joy in the Kiss 'N Cry, not caring about public opinion or discourse, but instead, releases a million endorphins and hormones to show their utter joy. This award is given to -

Scott Moir

Scott definitely didn't hide his emotion after the free dance. He made a "King of the World" moment with his howling and fist pumping. I suppose after skating a program with Tessa, how could you not be excited?

The next award is the The Pasha Grishuk Media Whore Award.

This award embodies the skater who graced us all with their out of line ego, obnoxious remarks, and selfish attitudes. The skater that we all know deserves this award is.....

Evgeni Plushenko!

Thank you Evgeni for your contribution to jerks everywhere. You truly exemplified what it meant to be a sore loser. We have to admit that we enjoy your remarks, because it brings out the snarkiness in all of us. Hope you enjoy your platinum medal. In case you forgot, yes a man without a quad beat you. Congrats.

On a slightly different note, the next award is the The Michelle Kwan Humility Award.

Given to the skater/team who handles their disappointment with grace and class, this award shows exactly what the Olympic spirit is all about. It is deservedly given to -

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto

These two skaters were obviously dumped by the judges by not allowing a North American sweep to occur. They skated with heart and passion in each of their performances, even though Linichuk gave them subpar material and ghastly costumes. With most likely ending their careers at these Games, they responded with class and dignity. We'll miss them and Tanith's fierceness.

This next awards' winner had tough competition, but in the end the prize for Best Action Shot goes to....

Nathalie Pechalat and Fabian Bourzat

Only in figure skating do you find a a shot like this. What a wonderful sport we have.

The award for the Trippiest Skating Costume Worn When Having a Rave Party goes to -

Tatiana Volosozhar and Stanislav Morosov

Who knows how many times they have worn this outfit at night clubs...

Finally, the last award is definitely the one that takes the cake at the Mr. Zamboni Olympic Award Ceremony. It is The Sasha Cohen "Get Out of My Way or I'll Kick Your Ass Award"

This award goes to the skater or team that sold the guts out of their program. They skated with abandon, without holding back, and making the most out of their experience. That award goes to -

Qing Pang and Jian Tong

These two skaters skated their long program with the fire and abandon that we have never seen before. Kudos to them for finally winning their silver medal!

And there you have it. This Olympics has been one crazy ride. Thankfully it's not all over yet. With Worlds in 3 weeks, we'll have plenty more snark to share.

The Ladies Free Skate: The Skate Gods Have Spoken

2010-02-26T21:10:00.007-06:00

The ladies free skate is the marquee event of the Winter Olympics with the new queen of the ice being crowned. For the past four Olympic games, the skate gods have not anointed the heavy favorite as queen. Instead, they have enjoyed toying with all of our hearts and souls by placing the holy seal on skaters who aren't expected to lay it down. I wasn't expecting anything different for these Olympics, but thankfully, the skate gods answered all of our prayers and created a night of skating that will be remembered for the ages.

Rachael Flatt started off the final group of ladies with her typical consistency. She landed everything. She did all the elements and choreography. Dorothy Hamill has mentally prepared this girl well, but she forgot to give her the most important thing that Dorothy always had: a little excitement. Maybe just a spark? Maybe Dorothy should have made Rachael get the bowl cut. That would've done wonders for her. Rachael has the work ethic and love for skating that is admired by anyone, but even when she tries to skate with passion, it's about as stale as eating Styrofoam. Her underrotations were suspect, yet she would only have moved up to about 6th without them anyway.

My cheapskate said that she looks just like Abigail Breslin from "Little Miss Sunshine." I totally see it.

Next was Miki Ando, with the most seductive-less Cleopatra impersonation ever to arrive on planet earth. She skated about as sensual as an 80-year old swaying back and forth at a nursing home dance party. To think this program had so much promise at the beginning of the season makes me very disappointed. Again, she performed everything well, but she was too uninspired. Even Morosov looked bored. Too bad there isn't a PCS score for snooze-worthiness. She would've been in the high 9's for sure.

cheapskate - "She is summoning the dalai lama with her skating."

Then came the anointing of the queen. Her free skate solidified her position in figure skating with a hundred exclamation marks attached. I know I'm going to be throwing appraisals at her a hundred miles a second, but when you are Yu-Na Kim, you deserve the praise. Her Olympic programs were perfect: unique, fun, inspiring, joyful. David Wilson and Brian Orser have performed magic at packaging Yu-Na Kim. Her free skate was effortless, classic, and personified. It was the perfect Olympic moment. Even though the skate gods were thinking about anointing a non-favorite, how could they not give it to Yu-Na? After all, she was the queen already before the Olympics and there would be a lot of bickering going on in skate heaven if they didn't let this happen. It's amazing to think she could have fallen 3 times and still probably won.

Having to skate after the anointing was complete, it was evident that Tarasova was already more furious than the Tazmanian devil, and Mao knew she could not win gold. Even with the circumstances, Mao skated a wonderful performance with record-making triple axels. The bells of death sure have been in my head all day long unfortunately. I believe this is the song they play before electric chair executions. Thankfully, she skated with enough angst to make the program believable this time around. I actually like the last minute of the program with the footwork sequence and her final pose. Unfortunately, Asada's packaging has been her downfall, as it has been Kim's success. Her programs are monotonous and her transitions are nonexistent. Mao's performance would have won gold at the Torino games and that must be frustrating to swallow. We all know Mao needs a coaching change, programs that reflect her beautiful quality, and an environment that enables nurture.

Joannie Rochette was next and the eyes of the world were on her hoping that she could make it through the performance. She skated more beautifully and with more composure than we could imagine. She was delightful. I for one love this program. The program swells at the beginning and then ends with a bang. I think it is just as strong as last year's Aranjuez. She could've gained silver even with her other double axel planned, but just a medal was priceless for her. It was incredibly moving to see her on the podium cherishing, grieving, and remembering. She certainly gave us all memories that will be engraved in our minds.

Mirai finished the show, and she did so with the exuberance that we first saw two years ago. This Carmen was certainly listenable and enjoyable all at the same time. Her jumps looked stronger than Nationals and she lit up the arena with joy. If any of the top three don't go to Worlds, she has a wonderful chance at a medal. To think that this girl has never been to a major international before this is truly remarkable. She took her Olympic experience in stride and skated lights out circa Tara Lipinski in 1998.

I am so grateful that we did not get any of the curdling Olympic screams like we have in the past (Tara in '98, Robin/Sarah in '02). A true woman won this Olympics and it is truly a boost for figure skating. I can still hear the chants and screams from South Korea over Yu-Na. Skating will totally explode in Korea (not like it hasn't already) and I'm looking forward to Yu-Na totally unleashing her sassiness as she started to with her past exhibition.

Congratulations to all the skaters - and thankfully the skaters went from making the ladiezzz event turn into the LADIES event. It was a very nice surprise.

Reviews to Come...

2010-02-24T00:03:00.003-06:00

Reviews of the free dance and ladies short to come soon...

One thing to say tonight - Joannie Rochette, you are truly a class act. You made your mother so proud.

Depressed Nation Discouraged Over Ice Dance Couple

2010-02-23T23:50:00.007-06:00

The gold medal winning performance of Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir created an electrifying buzz all across Canada Monday night. But when it was reported that the ice dance couple are not in a romantic relationship off the ice, levels of depression multiplied significantly all over Canada.

"They have to be in love, they just have to be!" screamed ice dance fan, Lisa Malone. "To think that the way they interact on the ice is a lie just hurts too much."

The Olympic Champions' routine, set to "Symphony #5" by Mahler, represented the story of two young lovers proposing marriage. The impact of the performance caused couples all over Canada to renew their marriage vows and commit to their significant others for a lifetime. But when Virtue and Moir told the press that they are indeed in relationships with other people, a heavy and cloudy atmosphere spread all over the country.

"It's like my whole purpose in life has been taken away from me," Toronto resident, Matthew Carnigan, said. Right after the free dance he called his ex-girlfriend to try and mend the relationship, but he declares that today he no longer has any intention to do so.

"Since [Virtue and Moir's] love isn't real, mine can't be either."

The Lady and the Cramp: The Joys of the Ladies Short Program

2010-02-23T20:53:00.008-06:00

Yu-Na Kim -
This program is going to go down in history as one of the all time greats. It oozes seduction, style, and personifies classiness. I can't imagine how the people of Korea reacted after her program; I'm sure electric circuits were blown everywhere. She is in perfect position to win the gold medal. If she does, say hello to Yu-Na Kim, queen of the world. My friends think we'd be a good match. I unfortunately don't have a chance unless I suddenly stumble upon $5 million or become James Bond himself.

Mao Asada -
I'm very pleased she landed the triple axel, but the triple flip/triple loop would have garnered more points. She hasn't completed one all season though, and I wonder if she is even able to do a triple/triple combination anymore. This program still doesn't do anything for her. Compared to Yu-Na, it lacks transitions and is relatively simple. The footwork is the highlight of the program, but even still I'd rather watch Tarasova shake in fervor at the boards rather than listen to this music again.

Joannie Rochette -
She really made my heart melt into a big glob of silly putty. It was evident that the everyone watching was skating with her and it was such a beautiful moment for her to skate cleanly. Her performance wasn't as saucy as it has been, but it was as genuine as it has ever been. You could tell she was skating for her mom. What a special moment.

Miki Ando -
Rather snoozy skate from her. Both her loop and flip looked underrotated. She's lucky to be in 4th. I know she mentioned that this skate is dedicated to her deceased father, but I can't help but think that it is actually symbolizing the creepy and controlling force Morosov has on her.

Rachael Flatt -
I am thoroughly surprised her triple/triple wasn't downgraded. It was close on replay, but if they under-rotated Miki's 3/3, I would assume hers would be also. I think she's a raw talent at jumping, but even that was a bit tight. But what mattered is that she delivered and people like Kostner are probably screaming inside with envy over Flatt's consistency.

Mirai Nagasu -
I swear her face is like a cute little poodle. Her whole look would be perfect inside a snowglobe. This version of "Pirates" is so perfect for her. I believe she was robbed of 4th place; she definitely would've had higher PCS if she was skated in the later group. If she goes clean Thursday, she has a shot at moving up, although I don't believe a medal is possible. With all the talk of the US girls having no chance at a medal, they definitely delivered as best they could and 5th and 6th is a great spot to be in.

Other random thoughts...

Carolina Kostner - No costume malfunction. Thank goodness. I don't know why she didn't do a triple loop for her solo triple which is usually her best jump. Even if she had done a clean short, the chances of a clean long from her are about as strong as Stojko coming out on the ice in a tutu.

Gedevanishvili -
It's as if she never stopped her fabulousness from the 2006 Olympic short program and fast forwarded to the short program here four years later. This girl is fiercer than Sasha Fierce herself. She puts all other skating dresses to shame with her classy and shimmery costume. That footwork sequence was especially night club worthy and her reaction after her program showed that she is totally an independent diva. I was totally shocked at how Robin was especially subdued. Maybe the man with her was her parole officer?

With the long program tomorrow I have only one request of the ladies. And this is a request more to the European ladies since this is a more common problem among them: Please keep your bums off the ice as much as possible. First of all, a cold bottom leads to indigestion and second of all, it will make the viewers at home a lot happier. Thank you!

Vancouver Bits February 21

2010-02-21T23:43:00.004-06:00

First of all, prayers go out to Joannie and her close family. I cannot imagine the struggle she is dealing with at the moment and for it to be so public must be close to unbearable. Her mother did a wonderful job of raising such a beautiful skater and person.

What a folked up original dance event it was! We got everything from the incest hick-jig from the Kerrs to the extraordinary Indian dance from Davis and White.

Domnina and Shabalin were beyond comical. Seriously, if I were an aboriginal person I would lay down the gauntlet and tell them straight up not to make their people look like a drugged up version of Adam and Eve. And what was up with that nose rub at the end of the program? I was surprised at the judges for placing them 3rd, but entirely pleased.

Move over Buddha and Brahma. Davis and White are the new eternal Hindu gods. I would convert to Hinduism in a heartbeat worshiping their original dance even if it meant I would be a mole rat in my next life. Tonight they performed it better than ever. Meryl is the perfect exotic princess.

Virtue and Moir were saucier than ever before. I don't know if I would've had it in front of Davis and White though, but if anyone was going to beat them, it should be this team. They are in prime position for winning gold and we all know that their free dance is going to bring a flood of tears to the world with their performance.

I blame you Linichuk for giving Belbin and Agosto this snoozy piece of music. I think after putting all the shock value in Domnina and Shabalin's dance, she had no excitement left in her so she created this sleeping pill. It's not Belbin and Agosto, because they skated it about as well as they could've. I agree with Tracy Wilson on that. But sheesh, compared to D/W and V/M, I feel like I went from eating prime rib to Styrofoam.

Well I better go. I need to prove my masculinity by doing a quad. See you all later!

What the Judges are Telling the Ice Dancers

2010-02-20T10:27:00.007-06:00

The dance event is surely ending up to be a political playground just like any other Olympic dance event in the past. With the compulsory dance in the books, the judges are already sending strong messages to each of the top skaters:

1. Domnina/Shabalin - The judges definitely can feel the presence of Linichuk while they are skating. There is obvious politicking for the Russian federation to win at least one gold medal (If Piseev suceeds at politicking for Alena Leonova to win a medal, I will jump off a cliff into a dungeon of rabies infected coyotes). They have only a 1 point lead in the compulsory dance and my prediction is that they will not win the OD but will be a very close second, and thus remain 1st overall. The judges are going to keep it close, but just close enough so that they can keep them on top.

2. Virtue/Moir - The judges are ready for this team to grab gold. If V/M skate two more spectacular programs, I think the judges are going to have to put them in front. If the judges don't, we all know that they are not going to make it out of the Pacific Colliseum alive if the Canadian crowd has anything to do with it. Their FD could surely be a magical moment, but it all depends on their execution and GOE.

3. Davis/White - I think their medal entirely depends upon Virtue/Moir's fate. If V/M win gold, bronze will be theirs. If V/M end up with silver, D/W could well end up a close 4th. Then again, their authentic and incredible OD will sure create an even greater international buzz around this team which could create some mix up at the top.

4. Belbin/Agosto - Unfortunately, I don't see this team having any chance at gold, with a medal chance slim. They will most likely be in the 4th-6th range. Their original dance hasn't been successful all season and this is where the judges will bury them. Tanith will try and glare the judges down until it penetrates into their souls, but the problem is that the judges don't have souls anymore. They gave them all to Linichuk for the Russians.

5. Faiella/Scali - I can see them as spoilers if the top dancers fail, but their chances are slim. They have strong material this season, but in a field this deep I predict anywhere from 5th-7th for them.

6. Delobel and Schoenfelder - Their compulsory dance score indicated that the judges are wanting to provide a sex education course specifically designed for ice dancers. They are pissed at Delobel. It will be interesting to see how D/S look in their OD and FD. Props to her for skating at the Olympics four months after a baby popped out, but I think the rust will show. Hate to say it, but they are past their prime.

After all this analysis, I really have no idea what will happen. The ice dance event is so difficult to predict. If the OD in Torino is any indication of what will happen, there will be more surprises and changes at the top than we could ever imagine.

Reader Discretion Is Advised

2010-02-19T17:07:00.011-06:00

ALERT: These quotes you are about to read contain massive amounts of whining, grumbling, moaning, wailing, and whimpering. Please read with discretion.

"You can't be considered a true men's champion without a quad," the 27-year-old told Russian state television RTR.

“Without quadruples, I don’t know; sorry, but it’s not men,” Plushenko said after his short program. “It’s not men’s figure skating.”

As he said after the short program, "I don't care today about the transitions or the scoring system. I care I did a clean program."

"It's clear why the judging system was changed because the United States and Canada don't have anyone who can do a quadruple jump," Plushenko said.

"Just doing nice transitions and being artistic is not enough because figure skating is a sport, not a show," he said.

"I did a great short program but didn't get the marks I deserved. When I asked why they told me I was skating early and they had to retain top marks for the last group," he said.

"Then, in the free program I was the last to skate, did everything clean and still didn't get the marks. I thought I had done enough to get the gold but the judges gave it to someone else."

"We'd seen this before. In 2002 Irina Slutskaya unfairly was placed second in the short program so that Sarah Hughes could get a better shot at winning the gold," Alexei Vasilyev said.

“I was positive I won,” Plushenko said through an interpreter. “I suppose Evan needs a medal more than I do. Maybe it’s because I already have one.”

Someone get me a bucket.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Just another night in figure skating...

2010-02-18T20:31:00.019-06:00

The Skate Gods really outdid themselves tonight. I am sure they are all laughing to tears up there with what they did. You guys are too cruel. With all the talk of the quad, a quadless man ends up winning. Plushenko's ego actually didn't suffocate the judges into awarding him gold. Patrick Chan skates like crap and ends up 5th. Johnny Weir, with a clean skate, ends up 6th. Joubert collapses to 16th. Abbott implodes to 9th. And then Lysacek wins the freakin' gold medal. Skate gods, you are killing me!

I knew crazy things were going to happen the minute I started watching the event with my cheapskates. It is always a "trying" experience watching figure skating with the college friends. Between Scott and Sandra's yapping, and my college friends' insightful questions, it makes listening to the music a bit difficult. Although sometimes I would rather hear a hundred voices at once compared to the music selection.

As expected, there were some classic comments from the cheapskates.

After two skaters - "They all suck."

In reference to the inside edge on camel spin - "Why are they spinning off axis?"

"What happens if you do ten jumps in a row? Do you get more points that way?"

"Pink argyle sweater with sparkles. Is this normal?"

The coverage on NBC started out with Jeremy Abbott. One cheapskate thought his simple blue shirt was the "gayest" one of the night. Was he blind throughout the rest of the evening? I'm beginning to think he has some brain dysfunction since he thought Evan's snakes were "cool." Oh the irony.

Florent Amodio - Cheapskate - "He takes the gay cake."
This program is so bipolar. One moment he's crying, the next he's having a rave party. He certainly got his money's worth out of the 4.5 minute program portraying every emotion possible to the human mind.

Takahiko Kozuka -
He is such a pure skater. He could totally be the male version of Yuka. He just needs to add a bit more ooomph to his performance.

Michal Brezina -
Beautiful triple axel, but then he totally ran out of gas. The power of the argyle sweater failed.

The NBC fluff was as dramatic as expected. The egos of Plushenko and Lysacek combined create an atomic bomb worthy of World War II.

Evan Lysacek - We all knew the time would come. He has too much OCD to not come to the Olympics and skate clean. I find it rather comical that this gold medal performance was technically the weakest since probably Boitano's win at an Olympics. Elvis Stojko must be doing his tai-chi moves on someone right now in anger.

Nobunari Oda - I am so surprised that he didn't skate well. I cannot believe he is still not even a world medalist. This guy looked set to be an Olympic medalist, even gold medalist, this fall. The curse of Nikolai strikes back. I fear the same for Miki. Maybe being romantically involved reverses the curse...or it could make the curse 10 times worse. It could go either way.

Stephane Lambiel - Ohhh Lambiel why did you have to dump your Tango? This program is kind of a mess. And kind of a bore which is so sad to say. His skating and programs are usually like french silk pie, but today it was like melted lactose and glutten free ice cream. Too bad. He was so close to a medal too which is unfortunate.

Daisuke Takahashi - Dai looked like he did die on the quad. That was painful. His program is fun, yet I didn't understand what all the arm movements were. I'm not even sure Dai even knew what he was doing some of the time.

Johnny Weir - I have been kinda hooked on his TV show and even though watching it has made my head spin, eyes pop and stomach churn, I totally am enthralled by him. He is so entertaining on and off the ice. You kind of want to hate him, but your inner soul totally agrees with his outrageousness. I love how Tom Hammond told how Johnny would run on the soccer field pretending to be a zebra and how anybody should do that if they wish. The condescending tone of voice was so obvious. I would love to see Johnny run around the soccer field as a zebra. What I would love even more is to see Johnny and Lambiel in his zebra costume running down a soccer field pretending to be zebras.

On to the skate - Johnny skated just about as well as he could have. A fluke mistake on the spin was because of the ice. He was rather cautious at times and slow. But I think he should have been 4th. The judges have kinda shoved him under the train and you know that this is Johnny's last season, if not competition. I hope he still skates in some capacity. Johnny must be ravaging with jealousy over Evan at the moment. But I don't mind since that might bring out the Sasha Fierce inside of him all the more. YAY!

And then there's Plushenko. Oh Plushenko. We all know it was going to be impossible for him to fall or make a major mistake. The skate gods did the most they could with giving him small nitpicky errors throughout the program. I wonder if Plushenko choreographed this program himself, in his room alone, probably naked, admiring himself, worshiping himself, and prancing over himself. The move where he caresses his hand slowly over his open mouth is really...gross. I am a bit surprised the judges didn't get inside the trance that they usually do with Plushenko, but ya know, after so many times, it probably just starts to rub off.

Plushenko did seem gracious during the medal ceremony which is respectable. I don't know if I could be gracious after landing a quad and then getting beaten by Lysacek who had just triples and a few wonky ones at that. If I were Plushenko, I would make a scene Serena Williams style and totally flip out the way he does in his footwork sequences. Oh well. Mishin must be sitting in a cubby hole moping to himself and Edvin Marton must be playing "The Godfather" theme on his violin with much angst right now.

Sad Clowns in Vancouver

2010-02-18T00:14:00.007-06:00

Breaking news reports indicate that a sad clown epidemic is sweeping through Vancouver in the past two days since the disappointing bronze medal finish in the pairs event of Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy. Sad clowns have been appearing in the Olympic village, at sporting events, and even as security guards creating an uneasy atmosphere all over the city.

"The sad clowns are not helping my phobia at all," Downhill skier Lindsey Vonn said. "If I see one more sad clown, I think I will drop out of the Games."

It is unknown where the sad clowns have come from. They started arriving in large masses late Monday night after the pairs finished their free skate and Savchenko and Szolkowy had a poor performance filled with mistakes.

"The sad clowns have been flocking all around us," Szolkowy said. "All they do is stare, look mopey, and pace back and forth."

Security officials are asking the sad clowns to leave the Olympic village so that it does not distract athletes and visitors. As many are not complying, they will be shipped off to a local nursing home in the hopes that the sad clowns will begin to spread their cheer.

The Chinese Tiger Triumps Over Mother Russia

2010-02-16T14:32:00.012-06:00

Pairs Event - All About China

It had to be done. Just like the Han Dynasty and the Roman Empire fell to bits, so has come a time where the Soviet powers in pairs skating have fallen short of retaining their title of dominance. And they did so in unfortunate fashion.

Yuko Kavaguti's shoulder was going to be severed at any moment. Mukhortova and Trankov still hate each other (the hugs and patting is definitely fake), and both teams programs looked unrefined and filled with minor stumbles. I'm fearing that Moskvina might begin to shower her wrath upon the figure skating world. Like Tarasova, she has the power to put spells on others. Just a word of caution.

Shen and Zhao became the first ever Olympic Champions for China in figure skating last night, solidifying their position as one of the all-time great pairs teams. Now they can retire, have a cute baby, and continue being their fabulous selves.

Ping Pong...I mean Pang and Tong skated an extraordinary program to win silver. After placing fourth at the Torino Games, I am so pleased for them. They're now into their 30's as well, but hey, Qing Pang has not gained a pound in 20 years so I don't see why they won't push another four years to possibly go for the gold in Sochi.

The verbal vomit usually spewed out by Scott and Sandra was actually at a minimum last night. They did not speak too much through the final flight of skaters, except when they became pissed at Yuko Kavaguti and the Germans.

And tonight, this is what we have to look forward to:

Judges Promise to Act More Reasonable in Vancouver

2010-02-14T15:40:00.010-06:00

Caption: Mens' figure skating judge, Paul McAfee, limits his amount of cheating to only one phone call in making a deal with another judge.

The Figure skating judges set for duty this week at the Vancouver Olympics have promised the public that cheating will be constrained to a minimum during the course of the event.

"We realize that cheating has been a major problem in figure skating," Austrian judge Eva Hogler said. "So collectively, all of the judges have decided to limit themselves to only one backhanded deal or bribe from an official or judge."

In recent memory, there have been controversial judging scandals at both the 1998 and 2002 Olympic Games that created a media frenzy. This is the first time in figure skating history that the judges have promised to use a part of their moral conscious in how they judge.

The issue for the judges now comes down to which deal or bribe they will accept.

"It's been very hard to narrow it down," British ice dancing judge Diane Mayer said in regards to the bribes she's been getting from various skating federations. "I have received 20 care packages from France, a free vacation to Hawaii from Canada, and $5,000 in cash from the United States. I'll have to decide which one to accept before the compulsory dance on Friday."

Even though the judges behavior is being monitored in Vancouver, they are making no promises after the Games.

"I am taking every bribe I get after the Games," Mayer said. "That's why I became a judge in the first place."

He's BAAAAACK

2010-02-12T11:03:00.004-06:00

Hide your children.

Because He's Back.

We thought he was gone; we thought he was satisfied with getting the gold medal. But no...He has returned yet again to take over the world of figure skating. He is back in action at these Olympic Games to stake his claim as king of the ice.

Disclaimer: Do not show this picture to children under the age of adulthood. It will cause side effects of nausea, irresistible crying, and despair.

Here he is already starting to grab the souls of the judges. He is just like Ursula in Little Mermaid...

Look at that face and that supposed innocence. It is a scam everyone. It's all a part of his master plan to take your soul and entrance you with his manic footwork and his Edvin Marton bromance. If you're not careful, he will take your soul too.

Vancouver Bits and Pieces - February 11

2010-02-11T17:49:00.015-06:00

The Olympics are in the air, and Mr. Zamboni Man is wishing all the zambonis at the Olympics to be on their best behavior. No holes! Here are updates from the day in Vancouver -

Quote of the Day

Today's quote comes from the lovely Sasha Cohen. She unleashes the beast, and becomes pretty honest in her predictions:

""The U.S. girls are young and haven't competed as much internationally, so they're kind of hit or miss," Cohen says. "They're good skaters, they're just not at the same level as the international girls."

Sasha's words are very true, but I wonder then what she would say if she were on the Olympic team. Since she obviously wasn't good enough to beat these two girls, would she say that she's also not at the same level as the international girls, or since she's had international experience that the U.S. girls haven't, she would have more of a chance at a medal? Either she's putting the diva attitude in full force, or she could just be honestly speculating. I wish to be believe the former.

The pairs event starts Sunday night, and they have been practicing all week. Here are some practice pics -

Robin Szolkowy and Aliona Savchenko emerge from their cocoons to see the light of day.

I question the British team of David King and Stacey Kemp and their ability to qualify for the Olympics if it looks like he can't even lift the girl. The look on her face shows that she's embracing a major splat.

What's up with the chubby snowman logo? He has different sized feet. I don't think this snowman would be very good at skating, let alone compete at the Olympics.

She's ready to aim and shoot. I can't imagine what would fire out of a skating foot...a combination of sweat, fungus, and toe nail I would guess.

The Swiss team looks ready for action. Now if they can only untangle themselves..

As the Blade Turns - Juice from Vancouver

The Russian team of Kavaguti and Smirnov have been practicing throw quad salchows. I'm so surprised that Yuko hasn't snapped in half yet, considering her size. One day he's gonna through her off into the stands and her poor shoulders are going to be on opposite ends of the arena.

Patrick Chan claims that Plushenko is scared of Chan's ability and prospects at the Games. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure Plushenko is more worried about what type of victory celebration he will conduct after his long program.

Johnny Weir told the press that he is unveiling a new costume for Vancouver. I think his performance will show that he's more invested in his outfit than winning an Olympic medal.

A Scandal Is Brewing

2010-02-09T16:38:00.009-06:00

The Olympics haven't even started yet, but those darn scandals just can't seem to wait just a little longer. With the last major scandal happening 8 years ago at the 2002 Olympics, figure skating is surely due for a new one.

Joe Inman, an international judge from the United States, sent an email to over 60 ISU members encouraging them to correctly mark skaters in the transition mark at the Olympics. The issue came into play when he mentioned Evgeni Plushenko and Brian Joubert in his letter.

Since we do not have the full article, it is impossible to know exactly what Inman was implying. It looks like the French media is playing up the issue more than is needed. But when you have a skating federation as messed up as France, these things are to be expected. When Inman mentioned Plushenko and Joubert, he was referring to a quote from Plushenko -

It’s hard because the scoring system has changed since then and the Code of Points still has its flaws. If the judges want someone to place high, they can arrange it. Like in Tallinn, Brian Joubert got more points for his transitions than me, although we did exactly the same transitions on the ice. In fact, we don’t have any transitions because we focus on our jumps. So there are lobbies in the new scoring system as well, and the judges can influence the result. But I think the old generation had more charismatic skaters. Urmanov, Stojko, Browning, Boitano, Kulik and Yagudin had their own style, charisma, artistry."

Brian Joubert got more transition points than Plushenko because of Joubert's hip shaking and pelvis thrusting skills. The judges understand how difficult it is to shake your butt right before a triple lutz. It's pretty intense. The judges live for it. While they do worship Plushenko, they become most entranced when he does his manic footwork steps.

I do not understand why Plushenko is even whining about a low transition score when he says that he doesn't do them at all anyway. So basically he's saying that his score should be zero. I wouldn't mind that.

If this scandal doesn't surface in Vancouver, I'm sure another one will. Here are some very possible scenarios -

* If Yu-Na wins the gold medal, Korean fans in the arena will go bonkers beyond belief with their rioting. This will cause the entire electrical power system in the Olympic Village to be shut down. Then I guess nobody wins...

* Plushenko falls ten times but still manages to win. Afterall, he is the Messiah.

* Johnny Weir ditches the fur, but instead comes out on the ice looking like this:

* Savchenko and Szolkowy's short program to "Send in the Clowns" actually does just that with an array of sad clowns entering into the arena.

* Brian Joubert's pelvis thrusting burns the eyes of young children everywhere with exposing them to soft porn.

* A competitor of Virtue and Moir's secretly spreads super glue all over the seats of the arena so that it is impossible for them to get a Canadian standing ovation.

* After a North American media uproar in the pairs event, a judge declares that she was forced to vote for a pairs team in exchange for votes in ice dancing. The ISU goes bazeerk trying to find a solution, so they give out two gold medals.

Oh wait...that already happened.

The Return of the Cheapskate

2010-02-07T00:48:00.003-06:00

The Olympics are the most exciting time for being a hard-core skating fan. But it can also prove to be one of the most frustrating times when you find out who the once-every-four-year skating fans are. I like to call these types of people “cheapskates.” They find no interest in skating until the Olympics roll around, and then all of a sudden they think they’re Dick Button by claiming to be a skating expert. For those of us who are the dedicated and true skating fans, we must not let this behavior prevail across the world. Here are some important tips on how to deal with the cheapskate in your own home, school, or office.

1. Before the cheapskate even opens their mouth, you need to tell them one thing: No, Michelle Kwan is not competing.

2.If a skater doubles a jump, and the cheapskate marvels at how amazing that jump was, you need to take your hand and proceed to slap it to the back of their head. If they are going to watch the Olympics with you, it is mandatory to understand that a double jump is not good.

3. If the cheapskate asks you whether all male figure skaters are gay, you have the permission to pull a Bryce Davison and slash their face with a skate.

4. If the cheapskate says they are watching the Ice Dance event just because of Tanith Belbin, you must tie your friend to a chair and make them sit through every single compulsory dance performance until they have the tune of the Tango Romantica memorized into their brain. You are not, I repeat, are NOT a true fan of ice dancing if all you like are the skimpy costumes. That is an added plus, but truly not everything.

5. Prepare your cheapskate for the prospect that an American lady will not be in the hunt to win the gold medal. After your cheapskate goes through a good cry, reassure them that life will go on.

6. Hand out warning signs to the cheapskate about Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek. They have a highly contagious disease called being “media whores.” The diva and the butch-less are going to be unleashed to the extreme and if your cheapskate is not prepared, there could be a rise in 911 calls across the country.

7. If you are watching the NBC coverage with some of your cheapskates and they agree with something Scott or Sandra say, you must have a heart to heart conversation with them. Bring them through the history of their commentating skills (Hamilton on Yagudin in 2002 anyone?) and tell them that YOU are the only one they should listen to. Mute the television if you must, and try to get a feed of British Eurosport in the background.

8. If one of the cheapskates asks, “Where are the 10.0’s?” a loud, vicious scream should accompany your reply. In no way, shape, or form is this question a justifiable one. You must knock into their brains that the old scoring system was not out of a 10, but out of a 6.0 scale. Also explain to them the IJS in basic 3rd grade math terms. The jist of the system is that easy anyway….or so it seems.

9. If your cheapskate asks any of these questions – “Has anyone died doing a death spiral?” or “How come a triple flip isn’t three flips in the air?” they must be banished from your home. They can only re-enter when they have passed a test on skating terminology.

10. If there is a downgraded jump that is very questionable and your cheapskate says, “that is ridiculous” your reply should be, “I agree, that does not make sense. I have taught you well grasshopper.” Then there may be hope that your cheapskate will one day become as crazy as you are.

Domnina and Shabalin Change Original Dance

2010-02-05T18:51:00.006-06:00

In response to the infamous media attention ignited by the original dance of 2009 World Ice Dance champions, Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin, a new program is being planned for the Olympic Games.

"We were sick of the media getting angry with us," Shabalin said. "And so we scratched the program and now have come up with a much better original dance."

In what they call a "truly authentic program," it will feature a folk dance to Middle Eastern music.

"We will play the role of terrorists," Domnina said. "We will wear turbens, put on beards, and have fake ammunition. We were lucky enough to get members of al qaeda to record chants over our music."

"We have studied how terrorists act and we feel that our program will be a good representation of them," Shabalin added.

Upon debuting their original dance at the Russian National Championships in December, their Aboriginal themed program sparked controversy all over the internet, and eventually to major media outlets all over the world.

"We were frustrated by all the negative attention," their coach, Natalia Linichuk, said. "This new dance will be much less controversial. It will cater to a broader audience."

Lysacek Comes Out

2010-02-04T00:11:00.004-06:00

Evan Lysacek, 2009 World Figure Skating Champion, announced in a press conference today a lifestyle choice that many speculated all along: He indeed is a Pepsi drinker.

As a sponsor for Coca-Cola, Lysacek told reporters that he never was a fan of Coke in the first place. He only drinks it to please the media and his sponsorship requirements. He felt that he would get more media attention with the more popular Coke product.

"I realized that I just don't like the taste of Coca-Cola," Lysacek said. "I've always known since I was a little kid that Pepsi was my preference."

This comes as no shock to a lot of the media. Various sources have seen Lysacek drink Pepsi in secret. That's why so many were surprised last May, when Lysacek signed onto the Coca-Cola deal. As a cover up, he would be seen drinking Coca-Cola at media events with ice dancer Tanith Belbin and gymnast Nastia Liukin. Now he admits he was living a lie.

"I would try to cover up my image of being a true Pepsi drinker," he said. "But I think everyone caught on eventually. I mean really, how could a guy like me actually like Coke? Gross."

"I am really happy now that I came out to the media. We all know that Johnny Weir is a Pepsi drinker, but he won't admit it yet. I really found the balls to just say it."

Sources Undercover Lambiel's Secret Past

2010-02-02T22:27:00.006-06:00

PETA, the animal rights organization with millions of members, discovered that Stephane Lambiel, 2006 Olympic Silver Medalist, has killed numerous amounts of animals for his various skating costumes throughout his skating career.

"It has become an addiction," Lambiel said regarding his use of dead animals in his programs. "There is no animal that I won't kill for my skating programs."

Lambiel's behavior towards animals began to go sour when a dog bit him while skating on a pond as a child. He was afraid to go back on the ice for over 3 months because of the accident. He then promised to himself to make all animals pay a price for the progress that was lost in his skating for those few months.

"That traumatic experience made getting back on the ice a burden. Even when I skated indoors, I was afraid that a polar bear would come and attack me," Lambiel said.

His vicious killing of animals started when he bought his first spear at the age of 15. Since then, he has used dozens of animal print, skin, and fur for his skating programs.

"Sometimes you don't notice the animal print in my costumes, because it is sown into my underwear."

For Lambiel's 2005-2006 free program, he wore a costume from real zebra skin. Lambiel traveled to Africa on a safari mission, brought his spear, and threw it at a nearby zebra, killing it instantly.

At the 2007 Grand Prix Final, Lambiel wore a combination of horse hair, black tiger fur, fish gills, and star fish skin. This is his favorite costume, Lambiel says, because of how many animals he was able to execute.

PETA announced that they sent a letter to Lambiel urging him to stop killing animals and wearing them for his costumes. If he fails to stop, PETA said that they would intercede and bring a black bear onto the ice during his Olympic performance in Vancouver.

"We feel like this would be the only way to make him stop," Executive PR Representative for PETA, Lucy McMillan said, "Bringing back those childhood memories will serve him right."

The Incomporable Michelle Kwan

2010-02-02T21:45:00.007-06:00

Is it possible to love another human being more than Michelle Kwan?

In this New Kwan Article Michelle talks about her new life as a graduate student, reminisces about her skating career, and even disses Rachael Flatt in the most respectful and gracious way possible.

In regards to Flatt - “Solid, that’s all I could say,’’ says Kwan. “Wow, talk about consistent. I don’t know what it is she’s doing, but she’s doing something good.’

She even complimented Sasha Cohen, who for years pierced that jealous stink eye at Michelle. This just goes to show what a genuine person Michelle is. I'm beginning to wonder if Yu-Na Kim came from the same gene pool that Michelle was so delicately crafted out of.

In regards to Cohen - “I was really rooting for her because I know how much hard work it is, how many challenges she had to overcome,’’ Kwan says. “That was a triumph in itself. Everybody applauded her for being there.’’

Michelle is a rock star in all she does. She seems as happy as can be in grad school.

“I love it,’’ Kwan says. “I thought I would never find something that I was as passionate about as figure skating.’’

I have no doubt that a career in politics for Michelle would mean world peace, an end to world hunger, get our country out of debt, and bring us into an economic boom. All Michelle needs to do is show all the politicians her programs to East of Eden and Lyra Angelica and they all will be so enthralled that it will be impossible for them to disagree. Michelle will then become president of not only the United States, but of the entire world.

Osama Bin Laden will come out of hiding, shave his beard, and say, "Michelle, after I watched your recent exhibition performance in Korea, I just didn't want to be a terrorist anymore. I want to love and serve people from now on."

Hitler, Stalin, and Suddam Hussein will rise from the dead and ask for forgiveness from all their wrongdoings. They will ask Michelle to do her signature inside-outside spiral for them and together they will smile and urge the world to unite together in Michelle love forever.

I mean, seriously, how can you not just love this woman?

Four Continents - Korean Fever

2010-01-31T14:09:00.010-06:00

The Four Continents Championships the year of the Olympic Games is typically a snooze fest. To our surprise, there were many strong performances actually worth seeing!

In the Mens event, the Korean audience went bananas on Adam Rippon, screaming fan girl cries to help propel him to victory. His clean skate featured two triple axels and difficult arm variations on his triple lutz jumps. He is truly the male version of Yu-Na Kim in Korea. I'm sure he found an assortment of Hello Kitty and lingerie thrown out on the ice for him.

Mao Asada is getting a message from international judges loud and clear: They are not digging it. An unjustified downgrade on her triple axel in the short program, and relatively low program component marks are killing her chances at gaining valuable points. Her short program found her in 3rd place with a popped triple flip and her clean long program moved her up to victory, but with a beatable score.

But even as I say that, my prediction is this: Mao Asada will win the Olympic Gold Medal.

Ok I said it. I just have a swirling feeling inside of my stomach that she is going to be anointed with the holy oil from the skate gods, just like they gave Tara Lipinski in 1998, Sarah Hughes in 2002, and Shizuka Arakawa in 2006. Remember, the skate gods do not like giving the holy oil to the favorites. They changed their system back in 1994, when they gave Oksana Baiul the holy whine instead of the oil by accident.

Akiko Suzuki won the silver medal setting herself up nicely for a top 6 finish at the games, with an outside chance at a medal. Caroline Zhang won her 1st Four Continents medal with the bronze. I swear though that Caroline is seriously going to not have hips or a back by the time she's 25 if she keeps up her horrid technique.

She is using all the wrong muscles to propel her into the jumps, causing her hip/back muscles to work way too hard. This is putting an immense amount of strain on her young body. She will be living with the seniors in an assisted living center soon enough if she does not do some serious reworking of her technique.

Nothing too exciting happened in the pairs or dance events. You know it is a rather boring pairs event when the Zhang's win.

Canadians Weaver and Poje won the ice dance event. By barely missing out on an Olympic birth, I suppose this is a nice consolation prize. Compared to the Olympics, this consolation prize is about the same as getting a sticker for participation at your elementary school track and field day.

Some other notable performances:

Robin Wagner's Slave House

2010-01-29T19:28:00.009-06:00

It's great to have a skating coach who is invested in their athlete, cares about their well being on and off the ice, and can serve as a mentor. But when a skating coach starts to develop her own slave house, that's when problems start.

We all remember Robin Wagner as the coach of Sarah Hughes. We recall the fluff pieces of Sarah and Robin's close relationship with one another. Instead of being coach and student, they were "buds" sharing giggles with one another.

Now I have a hard time believing Sarah had any say in the situation. Sarah was literally her slave. She forced her love on Sarah as much as she forced ten million arm accents in Sarah's "Don Quixote" program.

When Robin Wagner screamed bloody murder after finding out that Sarah had won the Olympics, my young body shivered with fear. I would find myself alone in my bed at night, worried that Robin would come scoop me up and bring me to her slave trade.

Robin was not only a technical coach, but she was also a choreographer. Her best moments were in the 2002-2003 season when she gave Sarah Hughes two gems for programs.

Her short program had so many bizarre arm movements that I thought she was performing Tai-Chi. And who can forget the beginning pose of her long program when she gives herself a breast exam.

She also butchered Sasha's Russian-ified "Swan Lake" into her own version of "Swan Mud Puddle." Although, I will give her credit since Sasha Cohen's only clean competitive free skate was attained with this program.

Robin wanted the same relationship with Sasha as she had with Sarah. Knowing Sasha fierce, this was not going to work out too well. Robin would touch Sasha is if she was her pet poodle and flock around her like Mel would flock Bret and Jemaine in Flight of the Concords.

Sasha was not going to be dictated again. She couldn't handle it with Tarasova, and was foolish enough to not recognize that Robin would be a hundred notches up the manipulation meter. Alas, their relationship soon ended.

Since then, Robin has been suspended by the Professional Skater's Association for unethical behavior. Apparently, her slave house was discovered and has since been discontinued. Sarah Hughes was found to be hidden away in Robin's basement, away from civilization, and claiming to be "attending" Yale University.

Skating Moms Gain Points in Added Scoring Mark

2010-01-26T17:51:00.015-06:00

In a press release issued today, US Figure Skating has decided to incorporate the level of a child's "skate mom" into the program component score.

At US Figure Skating competitions all over the country, the "Skate mom" mark will be added as a sixth program component score. Before the competition begins, the coach of the skater will assign their student's skate mom to one of four levels shown below:

Level 1
Skating mother did not shove their child on the ice at age 3, only visits practices periodically, and loves their child unconditionally.

Level 2
Let child enter skating when they expressed interest, attends an adequate amount of practices, has occasional outbursts with child over things like spin rotations and lutz take-offs, and loves child unconditionally, but only when they are skating.

Level 3
Put child on the ice at age 3, attends most practices, yells at child from the boards regularly, lets child play with friends sparingly, and thinks child is extremely special and talks to strangers about them.

Level 4
Skating parent chose child to be a skater before birth, put child on the ice before they could walk properly, screams at the child on a daily basis when they aren't working hard enough, thinks child will be the next Olympic Champion even when they can't land an axel, attends every single practice, lives vicariously through child, quits job to watch child 24/7, doesn't let child have a social life, has a dicey relationship with coach, pushes child to stretch after workout, and has Kate Gosselin's famous hairdo.

"We realize that in order for a skater to make it to the top level, they need a manipulative skating mother," President of US Figure Skating, Patricia St. Peter said. "All skate mom's will now strive to reach level 4 status."

The scoring spread for each level is as follows

Level 1 - 0 points
Level 2 - 3 points
Level 3 - 6 points
Level 4 - 12 points

"A level 4 skate mom is worth more than a quad," skate mom, Cindy Lamont said. "Right now I am at a level 2, but soon I will progress to a level 4 to ensure that my daughter will have an extra edge in competition."

It's A Man's World...Just not on the Ice

2010-01-26T17:32:00.010-06:00

The array of articles pertaining to masculinity in figure skating seem to come around every four years in the media. First, Elvis Stojko has been outspoken about his thoughts on masculinity in skating. Here is an article from Ice Network

And just a couple days ago, a new comical article regarding the skating styles of Evan and Johnny were discussed. Evan is again after the "my skating is manly" theme, while Johnny is in his own world doing whatever it is that he does.

First of all, being in black doesn't make you a man. I don't think anyone told Evan that women like to wear black because it's a slimming color. Go figure. I remember an article from a few years back when Evan wanted skating to be turned into a BMX type event. He really sunk to a new low with that one.

And then there's Johnny, who thinks he actually morphed out of Lady Gaga. Even though these two skaters claim to be extremely different, they are after the same thing: publicity. And so Evan's market is the supposed "manly" image and Johnny believes that the crazier he is, the more television shows he'll pick up. There's no doubt in my mind that the media is driving their own agendas to a certain point.

Elvis' article makes me wince as much as his karate moves in his skating programs. It's perfectly fine for him to be entitled to his opinions and enjoy a certain style of skating, but to condescendingly say that skating is not a ballet recital or that lyrical programs make him fall asleep borderline on being rude.

My two cents: Why do skaters feel that they have to justify that skating is a manly thing to do? The fact that these skaters have a need to outlandishly defend their masculinity shows their insecurity. If people are ignorant enough to believe that figure skating is a wimpy or "girly" thing to do, then they obviously don't have any respect for anything besides their own selfishness.

I say we should just let skating speak for itself. One of the great things about skating is that it is self expression. Everyone will have a different style, a different way of skating. We don't have to agree with it or like it. Take it or leave it and appreciate the diversity.

The Funeral of Sasha Cohen's Competitive Career

2010-01-24T14:04:00.004-06:00

We are gathered here today to remember and mourn the death of Sasha Cohen's competitive career as a senior level figure skater.

We remember the first time we saw that young, precocious star in the making. On February 11, 2000, out of nowhere, the 15 year old catapulted herself into the spotlight with a magnificent short program at the National Championships in Cleveland, Ohio to take 1st place. She emerged from her cocoon, and birthed a brand new life as one of the United States' bright candles for the future.

In her career, she accomplished much. She became National Champion in 2006, won the Olympic Silver Medal, and won three world medals. But her career was scarred by the notion that a clean competition was never attainable. The cusp of a perfect competition was always gnawing at Sasha's feet, but in the end, the evils of the mind overcame the aspirations and visions.

The dream was not dead though. The dream of one last push, one final chance to create the perfect scenario that she had always hoped lived on. At the National Championships, Sasha would triumphantly be welcomed to push forth to earn the feeling of once again being an Olympian.

But on January 23, 2010, her competitive career fell into the abyss of two footed jumps and bruised egos as she failed to make her 3rd Olympic Team. The Moonlight certainly did not shine on her Sonata that evening.

Back in October, the skating world assumed that the death had already occurred behind closed doors. No one was sure if she could overcome the tenacity of the young jumping beans or the pressure of the media's gaze. To everyone's surprise but her own, she came to Spokane, Washington with a new resurgence that excited the hearts and the eyes of those who watched her in the short program.

Her skating proved that she could withhold those two minutes 50 seconds of scrutiny, in which she flourished to a dramatic culmination of jumps, spins, and spirals. She passed the first test in sophisticated fashion.

The final test, the most important one, would tell the story of her life as a competitive skater. She hoped her will would carry her on to survive this brutal final examination to finally perform once more on the world's largest stage.

Unfortunately on that evening of January 23, reality conquered over fortitude and gravity overthrew willpower. The dream of completing four minutes of perfection never formalized into reality and crushed the exuberance of a skating community to bring star power back into the Olympic spotlight.

Even though the dream of a rebirth fizzled into eternity, the courage that Sasha encompassed will continue further on, and transcend into the definition of what the Olympic spirit is all about. We will remember Sasha's competitive career for the memories that she created and the hearts that she pierced into.

RIP Sasha Cohen's Competitive Career.

A little Bollywood, A Slovak Pub, and Country Fried Barn Dance

2010-01-23T10:51:00.011-06:00

Meryl Davis and Charlie White's original dance from U.S. Nationals was completely divine as it has been all season and remained in the lead over Belbin and Agosto. Since our country is having a Bollywood boom right now thanks to the movie, Slumdog Millionare, I predict that this program at the Olympics will move Meryl and Charlie to quite the celebrity status.

Davis and White OD

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto's original dance this season definitely gives me the drinking beer at the pub vibe. I imagine Tanith would have a successful job as a bartender. Unfortunately, I am totally bored by this program. Their skating skills look strong and their elements are confident, but compared to Davis and White's authentic program, this fails in originality and impact.

Belbin Agosto OD

Why all the country themed programs? It reminds me of the terrible memories of my car breaking down in a small town in Oklahoma where the only sign of civilization was the local diner called, "Country Bumpkin Kitchen." The people I encountered there were exactly like the ones represented in Samuelson and Bates' original dance.

Samuelson and Bates OD

Over at the European championships, Domnina and Shabalin won the gold medal, but surprisingly placed 2nd in both the original and free dance to Italians Faiella and Scali. The Aboriginal Russian's chances at Olympic Gold are looking a bit slimmer at the moment, but do not worry. Linichuk is saving all her politicking and cash for the Olympics.

The European women volunteered to zamboni the ice at the Olympics, since all their falls combined cleaned the ice completely. Carolina Kostner landed a strong triple flip/triple toe to start her program, but in true Kostner fashion, the second part of the program went down the drain, all the way through the drain, and into the sewer. She still managed to win, thanks to the OCD popping habits of Laura Lepisto.

The Euro Hero

2010-01-22T01:28:00.003-06:00

Evgeni Plushenko won his sixth European Title with this program. Yes, he can do an amazing quad and triple axel. Elvis Stojko has expressed that he thinks Evgeni's our Savior. But Elvis let me ask you this: Do you really enjoy Plushenko touching himself all over? This program should be screened for young children. He is like a porn star out there with clothes on. And his footwork sequences...for anyone to be that manic they must be heavily drugged. Bascially on acid or something. He is like a chicken with its head cut off. I seriously think that contorting your head that much will eventually cause it to fall off.

And now for some real skating here is Stephane Lambiel.

This my friends is what skating is all about. Enjoy.

Ladiezzzzzzz....Group 4. Why am I still awake?

2010-01-22T00:28:00.005-06:00

Emily Hughes - Big triple flip/double toe, double lutz, double axel. Did David Wilson really choreograph this? This music is so bland and her skating matches it. She looks to be in better shape than she was earlier in the season, but making the team was a big long shot anyway. Good attempt though. At least it wasn't like Trophee Bombard 2008...score: 53.75.

Becky Bereswill - Another prom queen candidate, but not quite orange enough to win. Strumming her violin with angst to start. I feel a face stroke coming on. Triple lutz...fall out. Enough with the violin playing. Good triple flip. Double axel. She's more solid than she was at NHK Trophy a few months back. She doesn't have the power to pull off this music. You need to be Michelle Kwan to pull this off. Score: 44.60

Tara's getting bored with her commentating. She's putting me to sleep. Tara say something remotely interesting please. You and Mike together could create a sleep inducing CD for the Insomniacs out there.

Now when the event gets boring my feed works perfectly. How fitting.

Blake Rosenthal - Music "Another Cha Cha." What a promising title. Triple flip went splat city. Triple toe/double toe. Screechy violin music is making me go delusional. Tara, you're killing me with your voice right now. "I feel like the faster you spin, the better it will be for you." Tara is seriously canning it in like she did when she acted in that ABC Family Made For TV Skating Movie. I really would rather hear Justin Dillon right about now. Score: 43.43

Tara: "I liked my blades really dull." Huh?

Kayla Howey - She looks so much older than 16. She's an elegant skater, but this music is not helping my sleepiness. It is definitely from a bar lounge in 1974. She really likes to do the inverted face stroke in which the top of her hand caresses her face instead of the palm. That is a little more difficult so I would give her a level 3 footwork just for that. Coach saying hello to Bunny in Kiss 'N Cry. I wonder if it's the same bunny from Donny Darko.
Score: 35.59

Kristienne Gong - Didn't catch her skate. Score: 48.11

Ashley Wagner - The only other skater that could be in the hunt now for a spot on the team. Triple flip/double toe. And she falls on the triple lutz. Tara finally shows some emotion with a gasp. I don't see why she attempts this jump when she always gets an edge call. This program is still rather choppy to me but she's getting more refined. Her Olympic chances are done though unfortunately unless there are major splats and I suppose that is always possible with the ladies. Score: 62.55.

Well there you have it. I am totally shocked that Sasha skated clean. I am totally shocked again that the judges didn't kiss her feet. I am again again totally shocked that Mirai is in first place. I am totally not shocked that Czisny went splatty patty.

And so, there are three skaters left in the hunt to make the team and only two spots among them. They are virtually tied at the top of the leaderboard. It will surely be interesting to see how it plays out. I totally see Rachael skating a consistent long program. Sasha and Mirai are the question marks.

We shall see on Saturday.
Now off to sleep..zzzzz....

US Nationals Ladies Short Program Group 3

2010-01-21T23:06:00.006-06:00

Hall of Fame Time...Seriously? I know this is needed at some point, but really, everyone just wants to see Sasha right now. You are teasing us event officials!

Now they're celebrating Sarah Hughes and her Olympic win. I remember that day very well. My family was remodeling our house during the event and we had no carpet. Wen Michelle fell on her triple flip I kinda flopped out of my chair as well...and fell down and hit my face with the concrete floor. Not a good day at all.

Back to the skating thankfully. Sasha looking totally FIERCE in red. She's humming along to Beyonce. Wow that is so incredible. That totally reinforces her title as Sasha Fierce. Fall on double axel in warm up. Oh man, the pressure is getting to her. Looking better with a triple flutz/double toe. Wow, I didn't know I was this much of a Sasha Stalker. I am on my hands and knees waiting to see what she will do.

Amanda Dobbs - I'm having visions of Matt Savoie's magnificent program from this music. Triple toe(two footed)/double toe, triple salchow, she's fast and elegant. I hate the name "haircutter" for a spin. It's so lame sounding. I'm noticing Tara has the valley girl accent down. Very nice skate from her. I predict it goes ahead of Czisny. Score: 56.11. Good, that's where she should be.

Laney Diggs- Totally missed her. Frank Carroll is one busy man at this competition.
Laney telling her friends she wishes they were here and Frank replies, "Ok, whatever." Oh man, I love you Frank. You are so hilarious. She keeps doing bizarre arm movements in the Kiss 'N Cry. Maybe she's a part of some cult? Score: 42.87.

Melissa Bulanhagui - "Memoirs Of a Geisha" is the new Carmen it seems. Lots of arm movements in the opening that linger on. Big triple lutz to start. Triple salchow/double loop, step out. Exciting footwork sequence, but a bit manic like. She must be going through a break up or is practicing her kick boxing moves. Overall, she's a fun skater. And level 3 fist pump at the end. She's B.A. 45.60. Ohhh, not a good score.

Is Sasha next? Oh man, Sasha's next. Ahhhh. Unleash the Sasha Fierce. Put your Freakum dress on, be bootylicious even though you don't have a butt, and do your single ladies dance for us all.

Sasha Cohen - "Espana Cani" - She is taking a long time to get started. She is totally Oksana Baiul. Triple flutz/double toe...a little tight. Solid triple flip! Double axel! Wow. Totally amazing fire. AHHH my feed froze right at her russian split! Oh my goodness. Okay it keeps going. Incredible spirals! Feed froze again during footwork. I hate my life right now. I really do. I missed her glory moment right there. But I have to say that I give Sasha A LOT of credit. To come back under this sort of pressure and skate like that. Amazing job. Now for the scores...69.63! Oh my goodness gracious...behind Mirai. The judges are not giving her the Plushenko treatment. That is shocking. Well this makes the long program all the more interesting!

Christina Sperduto - Very difficult to skate after a standing ovation from Sasha. She's definitely a prom queen candidate as well. Feed is totally sucky so practically missed her skate. 31.62...all jumps downgraded?

Bebe Liang - I have a soft spot for you Bebe. Your triple lutz was great. Shame about the flip. Score: 51.98. Not bad. But not good.

Final group and feed is as bad as ever.

US Nationals Ladies Short Program Group 2

2010-01-21T22:19:00.005-06:00

Christina Gao - This girl is gonna rock it I tell you. Triple toe/triple toe a little iffy, triple flip, double axel. Her jumps are effortless. She's a miniature Yu-Na without the gangliness hidden yet. But David Wilson will help her soon enough. Once she finds music and a program that will play to her strengths, she has the possibility to become National Champion next year. Score: 56.26. Low score. She almost doesn't beat Alissa. That is not right at all.

Mirai Nagasu - "Pirates of the Caribbean" - Please Mirai skate well. Triple lutz/double toe, triple flip...soooo solid! Double axel. Amazing spins. Freaking Fast! Wow, footwork so firey! Oh my goodness, I LOVED that! Frank Carroll put a fire under her and she was spectacular. Her presentation was so real and on attack. I would put that first for sure! Frank Carroll - "Now do that again on Saturday." Oh Frank. So matter of fact.
Score: 70.06 ! Well deserved!

Chelsea Morrow - Sorry too excited about Mirai to really concentrate.

Alexe Gilles - Double lutz, triple flip/double toe. Very strong. Double axel. Ishy layback. This program does nothing for her. She's such a wonderful jumper when her nerves don't get in the way. I agree with what Tara is saying about her being hesitant. Score: 53.54

Ellie Kawamura - I wonder what she is skating to with a rainbow costume. And my feed just went kaput. If this happens during Sasha I think I will make a huge scene at this library and push all the book shelves down in anger. 33.51

Caroline Zhang - Even before she starts, I feel like Zhang's chances are slim to none right now. I predict a level 4 pout in the Kiss 'N Cry. Triple flip, three turn out, double toe. Triple loop, fall. Ouch. She looks shocked. Well she shouldn't be considering she went into that triple loop about as fast as my great grandmother walks up the stairs. Double axel as tenative as a juvenile level skater. The sad thing is that she has improved her artistry. She looks more refined and projecting out more. But she obviously doesn't work on her weaknesses. Her jumps have regressed entirely. I feel bad for her. I hate tears. But really this should be a wake up call. I wonder if she will withdraw after this. 49.94. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Play By Play: US Nationals Ladies Short Group 1

2010-01-21T21:33:00.006-06:00

I am hiding in a cubby hole at my school library hoping no one notices me after foregoing a night out with friends in favor of viewing the US ladies short program live. I thought an adequate excuse was that I didn't feel very good and was really tired. I am a terrible friend. Anyway, here is my random play by play of the ladies event. I will duel it out for all 23 skaters. Hopefully the splats will be kept to a minimum. But that wish is as silly as thinking Johnny Weir would ever do a three jump combination.

Tara Lipinski is commentating tonight. She's doing decently. She continues the dry wall trend of ice network commentating, but her voice is not too aggravating. And she's extremely positive, which can get annoying, but at least she's not Nancy.

Tatyana Khazova "My Sweet and Tender Beast" - Whoops, already missed her program. My feed is buffering. Curse you university wireless! Score: 41.63

Rebecca Stern - "Dare You to Move" - Ahhh Muzak at its finest with a recording by the Vitamin String Quartet. Poor girl. Having trouble with all the jumps. The crowd is really nice. I would like a crowd like that cheering for me when I wake up in the morning. "Hurray you are awake!!" Score: 32.49

Rachael Flatt - "Sing, Sing, Sing" - Triple flip/triple toe...Could be under rotated on the toe. But solid. Triple lutz. Double axel. Solid. When I saw this program at Golden West in the summer I thought it had potential to be an incredible program, but it never really took off for me. There's something still forced about the presentation of it. It feels too cutesy at times. I will say that the footwork sequence was awesome - she finally let go and really presented it authentically. Overall, she's great. I will be completely surprised if she doesn't make the team. Score: 69.35. Sasha will have to be perfect to beat this!

Alissa Czisny - "Mask of Zorro" - Triple lutz fall, double flip. Bombing. What a disappointment. Some people thrive on a competition setting. Some people naturally crumble. Unfortunately, Alissa is the latter. This program is beautiful on her as well, even if she the opposite of a diva. Ahhh...poor Alissa. At least she got a national title once. Score: 54.18. She'll be out of the top six for sure.

Tara is kinda squeaky again. All I am thinking about right now is her manic scream at the Olympics. I would pay to hear her do that on the air. I can hear it now - "AHHHHHHHHHHH OMIGOD OMIGOD AHHHHH WAHHAHAA"

Samantha Cesario - "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Yay, more muzak! My favorite. She's pretty. Her triple flutz is not. She definitely looks like she could be prom queen. Screechy violin. My feed is having a tantrum. Ok back on in time for footwork, which is a bit choppy. Score: 44.33

Sasha Fierce, Dislocations, and Plushenko Love: A Day in Skating January 20, 2010

2010-01-20T22:38:00.014-06:00

Sasha Fierce is in town looking mean and ready to duel it out for a spot on the Olympic team.

Even though Sasha is using a piece of music from Evan Lysacek's favorite skating tunes playlist, she has the diva-ness to pull it off. Is it just me or does she look a lot faster than she previously had? Maybe I am just too used to the speed of Flatt and Zhang to know what it is to see a U.S. ladies skater actually move across the ice.

If she skates this program exactly as she did here, even with the fall (with the layback added of course) I would not be surprised to see this score close to 70. Her components are going to be in the 8's, if not close to the 9's. She will get the levels and GOE's through the roof. The USFS is itching to have her on the team because she is the only U.S. ladies skater that the general public may rattle their brains to remember.

My feeble prediction: Christina Gao will surprise and place in the top five. Mark my words.

In other news, Tamara Moskvina gave the judges enough cash to ensure a victory for Yuko Kavaguchi and Alexander Smirnov at the 2010 European Championships. Yuko even appeared to pop her shoulder back into place half way through the routine.

Yuko Kavaguti is incredible. She is almost 30 years old now, and she looks half that (she's gonna love that remark in about twenty years). Since she weighs about 50 pounds, I'm surprised more of her limbs don't fall off. Whenever they go into a death spiral I fear that her arm is just going to detach from her body.

Savchenko and Szolkowy are again loosing momentum heading into Vancouver, but I have a feeling though that this loss will unleash their inner Sasha and Aliona's orange face will turn into a bright color of red in anger by the time the Olympics roll around.

In the men's event, the judges kissed the feet of Evegeni Plushenko and gave a shrine in his honor during the event. He scored a massive 91.30, which is a new Plushenko best.

Joubert thrusted enough times in his program to gain second place with a score of 88.55. Yannick Ponsero is third with 82.40. Stephane Lambiel is in 5th place.

Why the heck didn't the French Federation give a spot to Florent Amodio? Major confusion right there.

J Bott Thrills in Spokane

2010-01-17T23:41:00.007-06:00

I didn't really love this program at the beginning of the season, but when it is skated like this, all I can say is breathtaking. It is intricate, dramatic, and all around amazing. WOW wow wow. If Jeremy skates like this at the Olympics, Plushenko will shrivel up into a raisin and be pounced off the top of the podium. The question lingers though: did Abbott peak too early?

The other biggest news of the day was that Evan Lysacek did not infest himself completely in black for his long program costume! It was quite a miracle. Although, gray is about as dull a color as they come, so it's not much of an improvement.

Johnny, was well Johnny. I thought he would do better. He popped the triple axel and did only two combinations. I thought he learned his lesson about maximizing points.

I have a confession to make. Scott and Sandra commentating saved my life. No joke.

I am a poor college student and unfortunately my internet connection at my dorm room is about as terrible as dial up back from 1997. So the picture wouldn't work on my computer, but only the audio. I had to completely rely on Scott and Sandra's endless babbling to know what was going on. I thank them for it. But just this once.

Before Evan skated, I was able to go to a friends room and watch the rest on HDTV. Again, I am a poor college student so I am not used to HDTV television so I couldn't believe I was seeing the skating so clearly. Johnny definitely has a lot more drag queen qualities with my vision so clear. Anyway, it was quite an experience watching skating with my non-skating friends. I actually hated it immensely.

They were mostly speechless about Johnny Weir. His costume did not help at all.

Interesting questions were asked like, "Is that hard?" in reference to a triple axel and "Why the heck are those stuffed animals on the ice?" The best remark was asked when Galina and Johnny were in the Kiss 'N Cry and one guy asked, "I can't tell which one is a man and which is a woman."

Of course all was well again when Tanith popped on the television.

From Spokane to London - Thoughts on Nationals Thus Far

2010-01-17T01:08:00.003-06:00

It's been an eventful weekend thus far for North America.

First off, Jeremy Abbott. Amazing. Yuka Sato. Amazing. Jeremy's short program is really my favorite short program in a long time. Probably since Lambiel's "Carne Cruda" or Buttle's "Adios Nonino." No wonder Jeremy did so well; having Yuka as a coach would make me land my jumps too. I wonder if they play "I Love You Always Forever" at the practice rink to reminisce about Yuka's pro days. I bet they do. I would love to listen to a playlist of Yuka's greatest hits.

It's interesting to note how the US judges are obviously faring Evan and Jeremy above Johnny. I felt Johnny should have been 2nd last night because of Evan's step out, but I suppose Evan is the reigning World Champion. I was kinda peeing myself though watching Johnny's face during his ending pose. I don't know if he was going to reach out of my computer and kill me or if he was seducing me. Couldn't tell.

Apparently, Evan's supposed girlfriend Nastia Liukin is in attendance in Spokane. Publicity stunt?

Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett skated an impressive free skate to win gold. I must say that they look confident, are attacking their programs, and have incredible technical elements. I feel as if a top eight finish is possible for them at the Olympics if they skate their best.

Props to Rena Inoue for landing that crazy amazing triple axel. I totally didn't think it would happen. She's definitely kick butt. And she's what...33? Holy cow. I thought for sure they would make the Olympic team even with placing third, but glad that USFS decided to send the top two. Even though John Baldwin is the creep that we all love to hate on, he did make a gracious comment about how the Olympic team should be the top two pairs at Nationals. He's not all bad...

Congrats to Amanda Evora and Mark Ladwig for making their first Olympic Games! They definitely weren't on my radar as being able to make the team, but it's always exciting to see a team that works so hard and deserves recognition for it finally break through.

Biggest shock of the event thus far: McLaughlin and Brubaker. I did not see this one coming. I knew she was inconsistent, but they have been the marketing face of US Pairs this season and I thought for sure they would somehow end up on the team. It is such a disappointment for them. Hopefully they stick it out and work even harder, because they have the potential to be among the top in the world.

Onto Canadian Nationals.

Joannie Rochette. Love you.
Cynthia Phaneuf. Love you.

Joannie, your long program makes me a giddy little five year old again. Even though your score of 144 was kinda outrageous, your free skate was so stellar. Awesome.

Cynthia, I've had a crush on you since you worked it out in your "Capriccio Espanol" free skate when you were like 17 (don't worry I'm not a pedophile. I'm younger than her, so it's all good.) Even though you grew like 5 feet since then, you worked it out and now are going to the Olympics. Rock on girl.

And finally, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir.

I'm sorry, I drank the kool-aid and I am going crazy over this program. Who doesn't love romantic ice dancing at its finest? I kinda hate that they don't date in real life. I can't get over that they are just "friends." That's okay though, I will gladly take Tessa for myself. Sometimes I have dreams where I am Scott Moir and am skating this program with Tessa and then at the end of the program she kisses me and then we win the Olympics. The end.

The Team's Been Picked; Now who's to blame?

2010-01-14T23:28:00.007-06:00

Congratulations Rachael Flatt and Sasha Cohen. You are going to the Olympics.

That is according to NBCOlympics.com.

For the coverage on February 26th of the Olympics at 12:30 AM eastern time, the caption states, "NBC recaps Sasha Cohen's and Rachael Flatt's free skates and the final day of women's figure skating."

Hmmmm. Now there are many possibilities here. USFS may have chosen the team behind closed doors and somehow it leaked over to NBC to already start acquiring fluff beyond fluff. I can see the setup for it now:

"Cohen triumphantly returns to the competitive stage after four years of failed attempts at an acting career and no clear direction in life to get one last chance at the gold medal that slipped through her hands in Torino."

"Rachael Flatt is no regular teen going to parties and hanging out at the movie theater. Not only is she the fifth ranked skater in the world, but she also juggles a life of AP classes and college bound academics."

I really believe these two skaters have the most marketable stories of any of the contending U.S. ladies. It would make sense that USFS would want them on the team and lobby them onto it. Now this all could be some stupid error and I could be making a big deal out of nothing, but hey, of course it's more fun to speculate. Besides, who said the USFS wasn't corrupt anyway?

Regardless, it is a very bizarre situation. It just doesn't make sense.

I wonder what would happen if Cohen returns to her trademark SashaSplat at Nationals. We all know her PCS scores are gonna be borderline 9s. Her GOE on spins and spirals will be +2 and +3. She just needs to land a couple triple toes and triple salchows. Unfortunately, that is a big question mark. If she ends up out of the top 2 there is absolutely no reason to send her. The USFS must be begging for a semi decent skate from her.

Rachael I believe is guaranteed a spot. Even if she places third at Nationals, she's on the team. If the USFS is looking at her previous record, she is 5th in the world, America's top leading scorer, and of course beating Yu-Na Kim in the long program at Skate America didn't hurt. She's consistent enough that she'll place near the top.

U.S. Nationals Preview Part 1

2010-01-13T23:47:00.016-06:00

The U.S. Nationals, which serves as the Olympic qualifier, starts tomorrow. For some reason typing this makes me really miss the ABC sports introduction fluff of Nationals. Remember when they had those stompers? Or all the ice sculptures? Man, those were the days.

The pairs will be the first senior event taking place over the two weekend marathon. Keauna McLaughlin and Rockne Brubaker will try and Jai Ho their way to their third straight victory with their Slumdog Millionaire free skate.

The team of Caydee Denney and Jeremy Barrett may play as the spoilers of this event, if the judges let them get the marks. Even though their chemistry together is about as strong as my own failing grade in Chemistry class, they are extremely consistent. And that's all we need.

The veterans John Baldspot Jr. and Rena Inoue have a shot at the second spot, but John is now 58 years old and has to use a walker on the ice. The odds of him landing his jumps is about as good as a resurgence of Chia pets.

The Men's competition will surely create the biggest showdown with three former National Champions dueling it out. The big three, the Diva, Man in Black, and J Bott, have each gone through ups and downs this season.

I predict that Johnny Weir will play as spoiler of this event. He seems to be training very well, he appears organized, and ready to be an absolute diva. The big if are the wonderful and totally un-agenda driven judges. Do the judges want Johnny to be the National Champion? Not sure. What is certain is that Johnny sure will cause a lot of attention in Vancouver (you know we're gonna have countless NBC fluff on him. And it'll be over the top juicy I just know it.)

Evan will most likely be clean, but I think a downgraded triple axel will cost him. Again, it depends upon if the judges choose to downgrade or not. They are great at selective seeing.

Jeremy will earn the final spot on the team, but unfortunately will be third. I feel like he will go for the quad and be unsuccessful. I hope I'm wrong, because Jeremy's short is killer, and his long has its wonderful moments.

Well there you have it. I looked through my crystal ball and this is what it told me. My crystal ball isn't really made of crystal though. It is plastic. That may have some effect on the credibility.